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hi guys&gals,
so i'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to write this, and i'm not sure if it's the appropriate community, but i figured it was worth a go - if even just for someone to direct me to a more appropriate place. i've searched the web a fair bit and this seemed the most fitting of the places i came across, so thought i'd give it a go. please bear in mind though, it's really not my intention to offend any sensibilities or cross any lines, so if i'm out of order, please do just delete this post and send me an indication that this is isn't appropriate.
i've been wondering about a few things for quite a while now. i say quite a while, i mean years and years. like many people here, when my mother was out, i used to put on her tights and bras and look at myself and get aroused. the years passed, and having left home (i'm 27, currently living in London, UK), so the urges passed too, for a while. i've had sexual relationships with both women and men, and have so far preferred the women and found the men disappointing, but i think this is more to do with the type of men they've been: very much like myself - sensitive, arty, skinny, overly emotional. if i'm honest, my ideal man is someone much bigger than me, much stronger than me, someone who makes me feel less manly myself. conversely, i love women, and really like hetero sex. but there's something more there - i like girly girls, i like girls who wear heels, girls who smoke, girls who make effort with their makeup. there's a sexual attraction there yes, but also a lot of admiration and even envy. i'm a bit of a photographer, and my main, almost only, subject is women, and i think it's to do with trying to capture some of that. i've always worked with women who are a bit theatric, who are distinct, unique, who are muses. in relationships i always look for partnerships, and that photographer-muse thing is one kind of partnership. when i take pictures, i get my friends or lovers to dress up, to smoke cigarettes, to act out roles. i think maybe my real interest though is in those roles being reversed.
which brings me to the inevitable fantasy, and the advice i'm seeking on what it might mean and how to go about fulfilling it, if that is the course i should take. y'see, i don't just want to be a woman. in some senses i do, but it's not just about that - for me, sexuality isn't about gay or straight, man or woman or responses to a partner's body parts (well, it's partly that), it's actually a very selfish thing about how i'm made to feel. and with hetero sex, that can be about feeling powerful or enveloped in the woman i'm with, and that's great, but if i'm honest with myself (and i think, after years of pushing this kind of thing to one side because it *can* work in the more accepted way - but then, the thought of being old, passed a time when i could explore other areas, and trying anyway but it never being what it could be terrifies me) i much prefer the idea of feeling less powerful, extremely so. and i'm not talking about BDSM, i find it a little tacky, it doesn't make me feel the things i want to feel.
the thing that keeps coming back to me, the thing i keep away most of the time but inevitably returns in the most intense or drug fuelled or uninhibited moments of sexuality is having all those feminine wiles for myself, and not just that but doing them for someone, pleasing someone with them, arousing them and giving them pleasure. there are worries. i have a potentially very feminine body, but definitely not a feminine face. i go the entire day without thinking anything like any of this. i'm really attracted to women, anatomy and all, even if the first thing i look at is their shoes. it's not outside things, it's not feeling right in myself. i am, at the moment, entirely male, and, occasional dressing up aside, have never even flirted with TVism. it's not about that, it's about finding someone to take that control, someone who has an end product in mind for me, someone who could take what i am now and treat me well (i do realise this whole path is well open to some very ugly outcomes which i'd hope to avoid) and encourage me along that path for their sake, from this point to dressing up to doing so in public to eventual full (or maybe almost full) transformation. someone to look after me in that sense, provide these things - another issue is that i'm not good with money, don't have any. i have a job i'm about to finish and it's about time too. the thought of first searching for and then going into another, similar one seems like a waste of time when now could be the point i break with that professionalism and explore these new avenues which, if i'm honest, are the things that really interest me, much more than career or success in other senses. i hope that doesn't sound lazy. i hate the idea of looking for a free ride, i come from a very (and, unlike many who claim it, real) working class background. as i said, i'm a photographer and also a bit of a film artist and writer, and i think part of this would be about investigating, producing something really interesting. my ideas on these things can be quite out there (though at the moment are a little limited by social constrictions), i quite like the thought of working in a pornographic field (i'd love to be a smoking fetish model but, y'know, not as i am), it'd be about pushing these things too. i think the artist and the art should be the same thing. i want to live in andy warhol's factory. and i'd love to do everything required of me to be good in the role i'd assumed in order to repay whoever had led me down this path and provided, both in encouragement and financially, the means for me to do so.
but anyway, this is starting to sound like a personals ad, which it definitely isn't at this stage, so i'm going to stop justifying and explaining and simply ask my questions - is all of this in any way common? does it reflect much more of a fantasy than a reality? as i said it's taken a long time for me to even contemplate setting these thoughts down, and i'd genuinely love to hear from anyone who has thought along similar lines, or had similar experiences, or can offer me any advice on whether or not this is all just stupid, or whether it's something that does happen, whether it's at all possible, whether anyone has thought the same and got there, whether anyone has tried and found it to be a mistake? i hope nothing here seems suspicious, it's not. i'm just trying to be as open as possible in the interests of finding the information i'm after.
anyway, that was kind of long. thanks for reading. hope to speak to some of you soon - any advice anyone has to offer is really hugely appreciated because at the moment, more than anything, i'm just genuinely really confused.
so i'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to write this, and i'm not sure if it's the appropriate community, but i figured it was worth a go - if even just for someone to direct me to a more appropriate place. i've searched the web a fair bit and this seemed the most fitting of the places i came across, so thought i'd give it a go. please bear in mind though, it's really not my intention to offend any sensibilities or cross any lines, so if i'm out of order, please do just delete this post and send me an indication that this is isn't appropriate.
i've been wondering about a few things for quite a while now. i say quite a while, i mean years and years. like many people here, when my mother was out, i used to put on her tights and bras and look at myself and get aroused. the years passed, and having left home (i'm 27, currently living in London, UK), so the urges passed too, for a while. i've had sexual relationships with both women and men, and have so far preferred the women and found the men disappointing, but i think this is more to do with the type of men they've been: very much like myself - sensitive, arty, skinny, overly emotional. if i'm honest, my ideal man is someone much bigger than me, much stronger than me, someone who makes me feel less manly myself. conversely, i love women, and really like hetero sex. but there's something more there - i like girly girls, i like girls who wear heels, girls who smoke, girls who make effort with their makeup. there's a sexual attraction there yes, but also a lot of admiration and even envy. i'm a bit of a photographer, and my main, almost only, subject is women, and i think it's to do with trying to capture some of that. i've always worked with women who are a bit theatric, who are distinct, unique, who are muses. in relationships i always look for partnerships, and that photographer-muse thing is one kind of partnership. when i take pictures, i get my friends or lovers to dress up, to smoke cigarettes, to act out roles. i think maybe my real interest though is in those roles being reversed.
which brings me to the inevitable fantasy, and the advice i'm seeking on what it might mean and how to go about fulfilling it, if that is the course i should take. y'see, i don't just want to be a woman. in some senses i do, but it's not just about that - for me, sexuality isn't about gay or straight, man or woman or responses to a partner's body parts (well, it's partly that), it's actually a very selfish thing about how i'm made to feel. and with hetero sex, that can be about feeling powerful or enveloped in the woman i'm with, and that's great, but if i'm honest with myself (and i think, after years of pushing this kind of thing to one side because it *can* work in the more accepted way - but then, the thought of being old, passed a time when i could explore other areas, and trying anyway but it never being what it could be terrifies me) i much prefer the idea of feeling less powerful, extremely so. and i'm not talking about BDSM, i find it a little tacky, it doesn't make me feel the things i want to feel.
the thing that keeps coming back to me, the thing i keep away most of the time but inevitably returns in the most intense or drug fuelled or uninhibited moments of sexuality is having all those feminine wiles for myself, and not just that but doing them for someone, pleasing someone with them, arousing them and giving them pleasure. there are worries. i have a potentially very feminine body, but definitely not a feminine face. i go the entire day without thinking anything like any of this. i'm really attracted to women, anatomy and all, even if the first thing i look at is their shoes. it's not outside things, it's not feeling right in myself. i am, at the moment, entirely male, and, occasional dressing up aside, have never even flirted with TVism. it's not about that, it's about finding someone to take that control, someone who has an end product in mind for me, someone who could take what i am now and treat me well (i do realise this whole path is well open to some very ugly outcomes which i'd hope to avoid) and encourage me along that path for their sake, from this point to dressing up to doing so in public to eventual full (or maybe almost full) transformation. someone to look after me in that sense, provide these things - another issue is that i'm not good with money, don't have any. i have a job i'm about to finish and it's about time too. the thought of first searching for and then going into another, similar one seems like a waste of time when now could be the point i break with that professionalism and explore these new avenues which, if i'm honest, are the things that really interest me, much more than career or success in other senses. i hope that doesn't sound lazy. i hate the idea of looking for a free ride, i come from a very (and, unlike many who claim it, real) working class background. as i said, i'm a photographer and also a bit of a film artist and writer, and i think part of this would be about investigating, producing something really interesting. my ideas on these things can be quite out there (though at the moment are a little limited by social constrictions), i quite like the thought of working in a pornographic field (i'd love to be a smoking fetish model but, y'know, not as i am), it'd be about pushing these things too. i think the artist and the art should be the same thing. i want to live in andy warhol's factory. and i'd love to do everything required of me to be good in the role i'd assumed in order to repay whoever had led me down this path and provided, both in encouragement and financially, the means for me to do so.
but anyway, this is starting to sound like a personals ad, which it definitely isn't at this stage, so i'm going to stop justifying and explaining and simply ask my questions - is all of this in any way common? does it reflect much more of a fantasy than a reality? as i said it's taken a long time for me to even contemplate setting these thoughts down, and i'd genuinely love to hear from anyone who has thought along similar lines, or had similar experiences, or can offer me any advice on whether or not this is all just stupid, or whether it's something that does happen, whether it's at all possible, whether anyone has thought the same and got there, whether anyone has tried and found it to be a mistake? i hope nothing here seems suspicious, it's not. i'm just trying to be as open as possible in the interests of finding the information i'm after.
anyway, that was kind of long. thanks for reading. hope to speak to some of you soon - any advice anyone has to offer is really hugely appreciated because at the moment, more than anything, i'm just genuinely really confused.
