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  • Very Funny Story

    I can't ever grocery shop at Walmart again
    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits
    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the hit me
    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were a revolt In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened The peppers fired a warning shot
    There I stood, alone in the spice and aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.[/color]

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal a**plosion took place.

    Luck was on my side.. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa***!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bas**rds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.. NO I DIDNT WRITE IT I JUST READ IT IN ANOTHER FORUM LOL
    SEMI-RETIRED 519-209-3058

  • #2
    funny shit!!!

    Originally posted by tslisaparadise View Post
    I can't ever grocery shop at Walmart again
    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits
    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the hit me
    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were a revolt In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened The peppers fired a warning shot
    There I stood, alone in the spice and aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.[/color]

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal a**plosion took place.

    Luck was on my side.. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa***!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bas**rds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.. NO I DIDNT WRITE IT I JUST READ IT IN ANOTHER FORUM LOL
    LMFAO i almost peed myself!! that was funny missy! even if ya didn't write it.hahahaha!! that made my night thanks i needed a good laugh! xxxAlyssa
    Just a fly on the wall

    Comment


    • #3
      Funny

      Is it not the case that when someone makes a joke about farting or poop you can not help but lol yourself to death.

      I really did fall off my chair when the dog jumped on me from laughing so much...

      This was a funny story
      Peace, Love & Sex is how I am spending my days

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by TashaJones View Post
        Is it not the case that when someone makes a joke about farting or poop you can not help but lol yourself to death.

        I really did fall off my chair when the dog jumped on me from laughing so much...

        This was a funny story
        oh man i couldnt fall asleep last night everytime i closed my eyes i would laugh so freakin hard
        SEMI-RETIRED 519-209-3058

        Comment


        • #5
          Toilet humour is the best....F U N N y !!

          Comment


          • #6
            laughs

            i laughed all the way thru.

            i could tell you a story about the effects of lipitor and too much fibre and farts so bad my dog left the room.

            ever try sitting in work knowing that any little fart is going to stink like hell and they will know its you. lipitor indeed. needs another name like fartitor.
            according to some, not trangendered

            Comment


            • #7
              This definitely sounds like something Dino Velvet would write.
              John Leslie (R.I.P.) 1945 - 2010

              Comment


              • #8
                omg great story

                Comment


                • #9
                  That was really funny. Once a year I take some "FLUSHING" products to get all the "CRAP" out of my system. Let's just say I am one week into it and I'm never sure when I can leave the house. So I can really relate.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Just the best

                    Well Lisa I, just cant stop laughing.A+++.

                    I had the same time once with some real old pickeled eggs.Boy had to check myself.

                    Any way ONE OF THE BEST TAILS HERE.

                    THANKS

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Lisa, that was one of the funniest things I've ever read. And oh so true!!!

                      I must admit, my bowl movement is on a strict timetable - every freak'n morning at 6:40. Talk about a nightmare.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Howard1959 View Post
                        Well Lisa I, just cant stop laughing.A+++.

                        I had the same time once with some real old pickeled eggs.Boy had to check myself.

                        Any way ONE OF THE BEST TAILS HERE.

                        THANKS
                        YA IT WAS BY FAR THE FUNNIEST THING IVE EVER READ.im afraid if i read it again ill piss myself lol
                        SEMI-RETIRED 519-209-3058

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          LOL Lisa.Still smile about it all day

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I knew the story was not really about her as soon as she said she ent to Walmart. What would Miss Thang Be doing at a hole like that?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by cooldude View Post
                              I knew the story was not really about her as soon as she said she ent to Walmart. What would Miss Thang Be doing at a hole like that?
                              oh nice shot bud,i shop at the thrift stores and the vv boutique
                              SEMI-RETIRED 519-209-3058

                              Comment



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