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**Tia Phoenixx** · 07-12-2009, 12:35 PM

very sweet and very true.
thank you for sharing Toban

**capitus** · 07-12-2009, 02:14 PM

Originally posted by Admin

Who will stand up for our rights?

The A-Team...

On a serious note: Lonliness can be crushing and cause such hurt that it can make people lash out. Hurting people hurt people.

Toban, I think you are right on the money. We are all just people and want pretty much the same thing, to be happy, to love and be loved. Some will say they don't want that, but that is BULLSHIT! Everybody from Alberta to Zimbabwe want this.

**kristopin** · 07-12-2009, 02:27 PM

the other side of the coin.

Originally posted by capitus View Post

The A-Team...

On a serious note: Lonliness can be crushing and cause such hurt that it can make people lash out. Hurting people hurt people.

Toban, I think you are right on the money. We are all just people and want pretty much the same thing, to be happy, to love and be loved. Some will say they don't want that, but that is BULLSHIT! Everybody from Alberta to Zimbabwe want this.

perhaps it takes other compassionate humans to realise the damage that loneliness can do to a person. loss of someone to love. loss of self worth.
it can and will lead to deep inner feelings of total emptiness that in turn sets the wheels of depression going. as you all know this last year i have seen my share and thoughts of suicide still surface. i have been helped by a few friends on this forum and i am getting much better, still a ways to go before i can trust anyone but then again i am a romantic and if the right person came along i suppose i would just open my heart and take my chances.

one of the hardest things is sitting in your place alone on a sunday night. the week days are usually tolerable as we have to go to work etc. when you are alone and you dont room with anyone, or have a girlfriend to call, and nobody calls you first then the emotions start to crumble. we can only hope that the next day will be better. remove that shred of hope and we now have despair and that can lead to very remorseful consequences. anybody that has contemplated suicide knows inside that if the task is accomplished then the pain on this life is over. dreadful but true.

and so our 'family' here helps us keep going.

**Tasha Jones RIP** · 07-12-2009, 03:07 PM

wow...this should be personal

Toban, wow?I did not know that my comments would bring such emotion out in you!

Let me explain in more detail and maybe more personal.
When I first started out it was like I was in a huge building alone. I had all these feelings and wants and no one to share them with. I was very confused as to why I was this way and why, to be honest I did not have the love and respect in my life that my other friends had. I did not have a great family who cared where I was or what I was doing. So it made it very hard and lonely.

Being on my own with all this pushed me into trying to find the man of my dreams. I tried this for many years and all the time the guys only wanted one thing from me. I would give it to them if only to have that 15 minutes after. This got very hard for me to not become jaded like so many other girls I know. I truly felt like one day I will have everything I wanted. Then I grew up?kinda?more that I learned to live with what was my situation.
I then tried to have more personal relationships with my clients to fill the void in my life. Which is why my reviews always say I am very personal and like to talk. I still tried on sites or in bars to meet someone, and I still fell for the lines many times thinking , ?this is the one? and again, felt stupid when the sex ended and so did our time together.

But to be honest, in so many ways females/males go though the samething in life. The problem is who we are as Transsexuals. It is a fight that never ends on where we belong and how people see us. The need for acceptance and understanding is what makes are situation harder. As well being an escort is not helping find that one true love.

I thought I found it. I was with Dan for almost 14 years (on and off). Life was going very well and things looked great and I let myself see what I wanted to see. But to be honest for the longest time I really did believe that this was true love and this was real. Turns out the whole thing was a lie and I knew it and choice to just look the other way. After being so alone for so many years, I had someone who I could do things with and share my life with. Who cared that he lied when he talked every word or that he fucked anything that walked. Who cared that he was more of a mess inside then I was. He was with me and I had something I always wanted, even though everyone else saw how fake it was?I saw what I wanted to see.

That is what being a Transsexual does to you. You walk in the mall and people are looking at you?in your head your thinking ?do they know? but you tell yourself ?no, I am pretty that?s why they are looking? guys talk to you online or in person and say how sexy you are. They must want to go to dinner and a movie..it could not be that they only want to use you for there own personal pleasure. You get tons of reviews and you think ?god I am a good person? ?everyone loves me?. The fact is no, they love that your a chick with a dick and have given them a great ass fucking or the best blow job of there life.

Once I let my ego go of being the ?great? Tasha Jones. I was able to bring myself down to earth and see that most of it had nothing to with me. It was about them and there needs. It was not me, it was who I was and it could have been any of the other girls. It was just sex and was just about there need to be with a girl like me. They did not care who I was as a person, as long as my cock worked.

I know that some of you guys really do respect us as people, but most do not and until I realized that ?Tasha Jones? was just a sex thing and people respect what she could do for them on a sexual level. I had to start to get to know Chris, the real person inside not what others saw. I had to learn to see that even if I was alone for the rest of my life, there is a way to get by it all. Start learning to play the game rather then be played.

Am I bitter, hurt, disappointed in how my life has turned out and how I have been made a fool over and over again. Yes I am. But I am not going to let that control my life and now I know the game rules and now I can play the game in away that will make me happy. Like everyone else I still have those moments of loneliness, but so does everyone else in this world. It is good to know that I am not some crazy tranny and this happens to everyone, straight, gay, lez or Trans. That makes me feel normal and makes me feel like, it really is not so bad.

My past mistakes have made me who I am and have made me stronger as a person. One day I will find Mr. Right and not Mr. Right Now. But I have to learn to respect, love and know who I am as ?Tasha Jones? & ?Chris? before anyone can, love, respect and want to share there life with me. I am in no rush anymore and I have found out that, going to a movie alone, go camping alone and being alone with myself is not so bad after all!

I also have learned that I can use guys just like they use me. I can get what I want by standing up for myself. You want to suck my dick ? Then you need to bring me pizza?lol. You want that ass fucking, then it is a movie first. Or, sex is on my terms, I do it when I want and how I want. Finding all this strength is because of what I have been though and it has given me the ?balls? to say how I feel and go after what I want.

Will I still have those lonely nights? Yes! Will I still hope for the man of my dreams? Yes! Will I still make mistakes and fall for dumb lines and head games? Of Course! Will I respect myself and know that this is not just my problem? Yes, and I feel better and more secure with myself knowing this.
Tasha

**ace0730** · 07-12-2009, 03:53 PM

We are all human

Hi Tasha, toban and other readers. Sorry i missed you in Winnipeg Tasha, you were very accomodating on trying to work with my schedule, i appreciate that and am sorry i didn't get to meet you.

I have been reading the posts here and would like to say a few things. I am a very attracted to tgirls, their look, their cocks, etc. For the time a tgirl and myself would be together in the session I don't want it to be generic or lets get this done, I want it to be very personal and have a lot of passion involved so we both feel good and crave more. I realize that that would be hard to do in all cases because their has to be a spark or connection and that is not always the case when you first meet someone. But some people are able to find and bring out the best in other people quickly, even when on the surface it is hard to see those wonderful things. From what i have read about you Tasha you have brought the best out of many people, and the comments many of them make is because of that not just because of the great BJ or because you know how to fuck them well. I have the deepest respect for people who care about others feelings as much as they do about themselves. Many people in this world unfortunately put themselves first over and over again.

If I knew what i know now about life and people 15 years ago when i was younger and single I would have no problem dating many of the beautiful (and i mean inside and out) tgirls that post on this forum. I am married and have my own family now (my wife understands my attraction to tgirls luckily). Tasha you would be high on my list of people I would be interested in dating (remember I said dating not just fucking). There must be other people out there that feel the same way.

I suggest making a vision board and writing out the things you want in a partner and really visualize and feel what it will be like to be with that person. Read over your vision board often. Type on Vision Boards and there are a few sites to help you and make suggestions to get started on making and designing a vision board. Vision boards have become popular in the last few years because of The Secret. There is scientific evidence that this really works. The science behind it says that you have millions of thoughts a day that are filtered and organized in different areas of your brain, when you focus on the things you want in a vision board those specific thoughts are at the forefront and you attract these things into your life even when your not consciously thinking about them every minute of the day. Give it a try but when you are vusualizing what you want you have to really feel inside those feeling of having it kinda like you already have it, if that makes sense.

Having a great partner will not solve all your challenges in life but it can be something that is very wonderful and fulfilling. You still have to be true to yourself and grow as a human being. When you both support, grow and reach those goals together it can be a very wonderful thing.

Ace

**kristopin** · 07-12-2009, 04:18 PM

thank you

Originally posted by TashaJones View Post

Toban, wow?I did not know that my comments would bring such emotion out in you!

Let me explain in more detail and maybe more personal.
When I first started out it was like I was in a huge building alone. I had all these feelings and wants and no one to share them with. I was very confused as to why I was this way and why, to be honest I did not have the love and respect in my life that my other friends had. I did not have a great family who cared where I was or what I was doing. So it made it very hard and lonely.

Being on my own with all this pushed me into trying to find the man of my dreams. I tried this for many years and all the time the guys only wanted one thing from me. I would give it to them if only to have that 15 minutes after. This got very hard for me to not become jaded like so many other girls I know. I truly felt like one day I will have everything I wanted. Then I grew up?kinda?more that I learned to live with what was my situation.
I then tried to have more personal relationships with my clients to fill the void in my life. Which is why my reviews always say I am very personal and like to talk. I still tried on sites or in bars to meet someone, and I still fell for the lines many times thinking , ?this is the one? and again, felt stupid when the sex ended and so did our time together.

But to be honest, in so many ways females/males go though the samething in life. The problem is who we are as Transsexuals. It is a fight that never ends on where we belong and how people see us. The need for acceptance and understanding is what makes are situation harder. As well being an escort is not helping find that one true love.

I thought I found it. I was with Dan for almost 14 years (on and off). Life was going very well and things looked great and I let myself see what I wanted to see. But to be honest for the longest time I really did believe that this was true love and this was real. Turns out the whole thing was a lie and I knew it and choice to just look the other way. After being so alone for so many years, I had someone who I could do things with and share my life with. Who cared that he lied when he talked every word or that he fucked anything that walked. Who cared that he was more of a mess inside then I was. He was with me and I had something I always wanted, even though everyone else saw how fake it was?I saw what I wanted to see.

That is what being a Transsexual does to you. You walk in the mall and people are looking at you?in your head your thinking ?do they know? but you tell yourself ?no, I am pretty that?s why they are looking? guys talk to you online or in person and say how sexy you are. They must want to go to dinner and a movie..it could not be that they only want to use you for there own personal pleasure. You get tons of reviews and you think ?god I am a good person? ?everyone loves me?. The fact is no, they love that your a chick with a dick and have given them a great ass fucking or the best blow job of there life.

Once I let my ego go of being the ?great? Tasha Jones. I was able to bring myself down to earth and see that most of it had nothing to with me. It was about them and there needs. It was not me, it was who I was and it could have been any of the other girls. It was just sex and was just about there need to be with a girl like me. They did not care who I was as a person, as long as my cock worked.

I know that some of you guys really do respect us as people, but most do not and until I realized that ?Tasha Jones? was just a sex thing and people respect what she could do for them on a sexual level. I had to start to get to know Chris, the real person inside not what others saw. I had to learn to see that even if I was alone for the rest of my life, there is a way to get by it all. Start learning to play the game rather then be played.

Am I bitter, hurt, disappointed in how my life has turned out and how I have been made a fool over and over again. Yes I am. But I am not going to let that control my life and now I know the game rules and now I can play the game in away that will make me happy. Like everyone else I still have those moments of loneliness, but so does everyone else in this world. It is good to know that I am not some crazy tranny and this happens to everyone, straight, gay, lez or Trans. That makes me feel normal and makes me feel like, it really is not so bad.

My past mistakes have made me who I am and have made me stronger as a person. One day I will find Mr. Right and not Mr. Right Now. But I have to learn to respect, love and know who I am as ?Tasha Jones? & ?Chris? before anyone can, love, respect and want to share there life with me. I am in no rush anymore and I have found out that, going to a movie alone, go camping alone and being alone with myself is not so bad after all!

I also have learned that I can use guys just like they use me. I can get what I want by standing up for myself. You want to suck my dick ? Then you need to bring me pizza?lol. You want that ass fucking, then it is a movie first. Or, sex is on my terms, I do it when I want and how I want. Finding all this strength is because of what I have been though and it has given me the ?balls? to say how I feel and go after what I want.

Will I still have those lonely nights? Yes! Will I still hope for the man of my dreams? Yes! Will I still make mistakes and fall for dumb lines and head games? Of Course! Will I respect myself and know that this is not just my problem? Yes, and I feel better and more secure with myself knowing this.
Tasha

Tasha thank you for your openess and your bravery to do so. I know this might sound a bit flipant but posts like these can only help others to understand everything.

cheers and keep well chris/kristy.

**Tasha Jones RIP** · 07-12-2009, 04:21 PM

Thanks

Thank you for the kind words..it was food for thought.

I do hope to meet you some day and yes, a date would be nice.

Tasha

**ShaunaWilliams** · 07-12-2009, 06:06 PM

I can relate slightly to how you feel Tasha. I haven't transitioned for nearly as long as you have, but I've started to feel that loneliness too. I live in an area that is very closed minded, thank god Toronto is only a train ride away, but when I'm not there I have to sit by myself in my room talking to guys online. All these guys just want me to go on web-cam so they can jerk off and then push me aside for the next time they feel horny. While it is flattering sometimes to be the object of someone's sexual desires, there's nothing more flattering than a person who genuinely wants to get to know you, or just be your friend.

I had made a couple friends in Durham but unfortunately I've had trouble recently with friends divulging secrets or going off the radar... So it's back to square one, Shauna all by herself and nobody to talk to on a personal level beyond "show me ur ass" or "how big is ur cock?"

I'm not a terribly social person, I could make do with just 1 person who I could go grab a coffee with once a week just to chat. It seems like finding that 1 person is harder than finding sex, which is odd because everyone puts so much value on sex, as if it's the most important thing in the world, yet friendship and compassion are harder to find, like diamonds in a sea of coal.

**toban** · 07-12-2009, 07:44 PM

Yes Tasha, > > > > >

Originally posted by TashaJones View Post

Toban, wow?I did not know that my comments would bring such emotion out in you! Tasha

> > > > > as I read your posts about the last leg of your trip, I really felt the hurt as you described how the incidents had left you feeling.

Now, that may be because we had met before, and so I do know you somewhat, though not really that well I realize. I do recall though when we first met at my hotel, I felt totally at home with you. You were not putting on a front, there was no bullshit. You came across to me as a ?real, true? person.

There was no suggestion of "OK let's get this show on the road", and I can still recall that several hours of good conversation passed before even thinking of discussing the finale. It just felt like a visit from a friend!

**handpuppetboy** · 07-12-2009, 11:41 PM

Here is an open invitation to all traveling ladies (except Barbie). When you are in Ottawa and want a "real" date, where you are not a sexual object, just give me a call. I will cook for you as road and hotel food can be dreadful, I am an awesome cook, except I do not have vegetarian recipes (except for stir fry).

**Tasha Jones RIP** · 07-13-2009, 01:52 AM

Yup

I total agree with you S. It is hard and when your in a small town it is harder.

I will be in Oshawa maybe Tuesday prob Wednesday. If I have time while I am there, I would be more then willing to have a coffee with you...

Call me
613-252-8404
Tasha

**Tasha Jones RIP** · 07-13-2009, 01:59 AM

Originally posted by toban View Post

> > > > > as I read your posts about the last leg of your trip, I really felt the hurt as you described how the incidents had left you feeling.

Now, that may be because we had met before, and so I do know you somewhat, though not really that well I realize. I do recall though when we first met at my hotel, I felt totally at home with you. You were not putting on a front, there was no bullshit. You came across to me as a ?real, true? person.

There was no suggestion of "OK let's get this show on the road", and I can still recall that several hours of good conversation passed before even thinking of discussing the finale. It just felt like a visit from a friend!

Toban,

I remember our first meeting like it was yesterday. I remember it was so hard to book me back then because I was always on tour. I forgot how much I used to love traveling. This last part of the trip after that situation has reminded me of how fun it is. I have also been a total slut, so that helped.

I am myself in every situation I am in. I have always been the same person in my personal life as I am in my escort/porn life. I love to talk about tons of different things and I enjoy getting to know people. As for those hours, that is just me and it has happened with many guys who I find talking to enjoyable. I do not think someone should be charged for conversation. It was my choice to spend that time with you and I really enjoyed it.

Thanks again
Tasha

**kristopin** · 07-13-2009, 06:13 AM

sharing an intimate detail

it is by sharing our thoughts and feelings that we learn we are not alone.

the night, back in April, where i had decided to suicide was the worst of days. i had hit rock bottom emotionally. i was empty. alone. scared. worthless. to go on meant more pain. to go on meant to be hurt again. i felt cornered. trapped. i had no way out. i dont have friends that i could talk to. all i really needed was for someone to hold me and let me cry it out. but there was no one. i was out of my mind and had no where to turn. i had been crying alone curled up in fetal position on my living room carpet for four days. i hadnt eaten and only got up to get a drink. that thursday night i went out with all of my blood thinners loose in my pocket. i headed to Goodhandys where i intended to have a few brandys and mix in my blood thinners. i had a bit of weed with me as well. i also grabbed a pack of smokes and a couple of cigars. i hadnt smoked since my heart attack but fuck it. my intent was to end my pain. i figured this was an easy painless way to go. everyone that had known would would soon forget but i would be free of all the hurt and pain i had suffered. i would be where ever we go after.

to this day i dont know what stopped me. perhaps a slim thread of hope. perhaps a knowing that i have so much love inside me to give. try again. a day never goes by when i do not think about suicide. but i have made a few aquaintences and that helps. i live in hope of close freindships, perhaps sometime down the road a romantic relationship. i seem to be on a spiritual journey now. i still wear my emotions on my sleeve. i cant hide them or ignore them. i havent had any sexual feelings in all that time. as we all live in hope. some day. some day it will be alright.

love you all kristy

**Wiseone26** · 07-13-2009, 09:35 AM

Originally posted by kristopin View Post

it is by sharing our thoughts and feelings that we learn we are not alone.

the night, back in April, where i had decided to suicide was the worst of days. i had hit rock bottom emotionally. i was empty. alone. scared. worthless. to go on meant more pain. to go on meant to be hurt again. i felt cornered. trapped. i had no way out. i dont have friends that i could talk to. all i really needed was for someone to hold me and let me cry it out. but there was no one. i was out of my mind and had no where to turn. i had been crying alone curled up in fetal position on my living room carpet for four days. i hadnt eaten and only got up to get a drink. that thursday night i went out with all of my blood thinners loose in my pocket. i headed to Goodhandys where i intended to have a few brandys and mix in my blood thinners. i had a bit of weed with me as well. i also grabbed a pack of smokes and a couple of cigars. i hadnt smoked since my heart attack but fuck it. my intent was to end my pain. i figured this was an easy painless way to go. everyone that had known would would soon forget but i would be free of all the hurt and pain i had suffered. i would be where ever we go after.

to this day i dont know what stopped me. perhaps a slim thread of hope. perhaps a knowing that i have so much love inside me to give. try again. a day never goes by when i do not think about suicide. but i have made a few aquaintences and that helps. i live in hope of close freindships, perhaps sometime down the road a romantic relationship. i seem to be on a spiritual journey now. i still wear my emotions on my sleeve. i cant hide them or ignore them. i havent had any sexual feelings in all that time. as we all live in hope. some day. some day it will be alright.

love you all kristy

I haven't met you yet, but you have been nothing but nice to me. Listen to me rant and I likewise. Stick around it works for ya.

I would post a reply to the topic but I won't bore ya all with my dribble. But there has been some wonderful replies here.

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Shemale loneliness and feelings of abandonment

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