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I have had this post written for about a month now. I was holding off on posting it because I did not know if it was worth posting or if I wanted to express myself in this way. But after reading Sue's post, it inspired me to rewrite it and put more heart into it! To put more truth into it. To make this post about clearing the air and moving on rather then putting blame on anyone! I needed to make sure the wording was done in a way so I am not insulting anyone but still making my points clear. I am hoping after this post some people will see the real me and put the bad blood/feelings or misconceptions about me to rest once and for all.
I have been around for many years as you all know. I have had my ups & downs. I have run a company that failed and I made a bad name for myself with some of the girls because of that company & how I ran it. I took on more then I knew how to handle and I did it alone and never asked for help when I needed it. Never a smart business move. I was also not in a place in my life to focus on the company. So, it went belly up and I ran away and just tried to forget about it. I was overwhelmed with my personal life that I could not really deal with it the way it should have been handled.
I have always been someone who felt the need to post how I felt at any given moment. Never one to hold back or think my words would bite me in the ass. If I was honest and I was being myself it was OK. I was wrong. Although I was being honest about my views. I should have stayed out of allot of the drama and I should have just kept my thoughts to myself.
My actions over the last 4 years are really where the problem centers around. Not just with my posts, my company or my life in general. But the way I have dealt with things in my life. How I treated people around me. I have lost alot of respect from people I care about. I have lost the respect & trust from some of my clients as well as from some of the girls. But the biggest part is that, I have lost respect for myself. I almost became that person I hated the most in life. A bitter Tranny!
I am not going to blame anyone for my own actions. But I do feel that the change in my life revolves around my relationship with the person I was going to marry. Before him, I never really had a real relationship. I was alone and was happy with having my sex and the odd date or couple month fling. I was happy spending 15 hours a day on my computer and working to build my site and my life. I did not know any other type of life so I did not miss anything or see anything wrong with that life. I also knew it was not going to last forever so that made it o.k. for me.
But what allot of you did not know was that, I was waiting for him to come into my life and when he did nothing else mattered to me. I waiting 11 years for him to start our life together. I saw that white picketed fence, children and freedom from this life. I saw what he wanted me to see. I listened to how our life was going to be, I trusted him and let that live my life rather then seeing the truth. I really wanted that life so bad that I would have given up everything and in a way I did, just to make it happen.
Although I was happy being "Tasha Jones" I always wanted more. I always felt the other side of the street was where I should be in life. I felt like this life was just a stepping stone to where I should be. Again, I was happy but knew there was more for me to do with my life then just have random sex and jerk off on webcam. There was a love I was meant to experience, happiness I never had and a partner that I would share my life with. All I saw is that I would not be alone anymore because I found someone who accepted me and truly loved me for who I was and not what I was.
I see the post of you guys looking to date a T-Girl. The problem is, most guys do not want that. They say they do and maybe they really think they do. But what they really want is the free sex. What they really see when looking at us is what we have between our legs and not who we are as people. I do not want to be with a guy who just wants my private parts. I want someone who wants me and knows one day that part of me will be gone. I am a woman in my mind, body & Sol and that is how I want to be looked at & treated. So when I found that guy out of 1000 I have tried with, I lost all concept of right & wrong. I lost all reasoning or looking at what was really going on. I saw my dream man! I did not see or care who he really was!
But I did have other dreams. I have a book that is 80% done based on my life. I wanted to make my site/name big enough that I would be able to walk away on a high note and have enough money to live a happy life. I wanted a partner and thought I found one. But when it became clear that this was not going to happen, I found myself trying to force it to happen. I found myself not letting go of those dreams and trying to make them work any way I could. I found myself becoming someone I did not even know! My actions were shameful and were not who I was as a person.
To be honest, so much happened in the last 4 years of my life. So much pain, disappointment, fake happiness, lies and I lost myself in there somewhere. Do not get me wrong, I have not really changed as a person but my writings have become bitter, my views on life & people are now jaded. I do not trust anyone anymore and I find myself acting a part in life rather then living it. This is not who I am on the inside! I do not wish to be this person! I see my faults, I know my mistakes in life, I just choice to look the other way and hope it all works out in the end. Silly thinking but in my view understandable after the personal hell I have been though over the last 4 years.
I will not trash talk this person. I will no longer hold the grudge or feel he owes me anything. People on the outside see things so different. They do not know the truth or the history or understand why I have acted the way I have. It makes no since to them because they have not lived it. They have not lost as much as I have because of him. No one can see or understand the pain I am because it is clear that it is now over and now I am left dealing with my actions. Dealing with the truth that once again, I am alone. They also only see his good side and my bad side. Really, that is all I have shown! But in the end, it is my own fault for not being true to myself for not seeing the truth. Well, that is not 100% truth now is it? I saw it, felt it and knew it in my heart but did not wish to believe it. Everyone else in my life saw my life for what it had become, they told me and I did not listen. I could not listen because the pain was overwhelming and the truth would have been more of a nightmare then a dream.
When I used to post on the forums, people respected what I had to say. They respected me as a person because I have always been true & honest. I made mistakes and did things I should not have, but nothing that could not be over looked. But the last 4 years, my personal anger & pain with my life has bleed into my writings. My views. The way I would give advice or comments I choice to make. Fights I kept getting into. Your heart is the center of your life and mine was broken and because of that it effected every other part of my life.
So here I am, opening my heart & trying to be honest and saying I am sorry. It might make up for past mistakes. It might change peoples views of me. It might answer some questions. But the most impotent thing this post will do for me. Is start my life again. Clear up some rumors that are very untrue & hateful. This post might give people some insight into who I am as a person and not what I have shown or they have been told. Because over the last week some of the things I have heard that has been said about me, shocked me!
Why did no one email me or call me to ask if these rumors where true? I understand that maybe I have been a bit of a "bitch" but I thought that people who I have known me for 10+ years would feel the need or feel safe asking me. So let me clear somethings up once and for all!
1) I am sick, I have diabetes. That is why I have lost the weight I have. I do not eat right, I smoke and for the last 3 months have been drunk more then I should have. I have only been in the hospital 1 time over the last 4 years. That was back in 2006 when I first found out I was diabetic. I have lost almost 45 pounds since September 2006, I am glad I am not as chunky anymore, but wish some had stayed on my ass..lol. So the rumors that I have something else wrong with me, that were started by a couple of the girls. That was told to ever client in London & anyone who would listen. There NOT true! 100% untrue & next time boys & girls you should just ask!
2) I do not own Shemale Canada nor Tgirlforums. I have never owned either of these websites or have any say in how they are run. I was a mod on Tgirl for maybe 2 months back in 2003 but I had no power. I did have some power at first and tried to move post around and clean up the board. I guess that was wrong and I lost my power only 1 week after getting it. I also only had a mod name for a couple of months back then. But from that point till now, I have ONLY ever used Tasha Jones. I do not have any other username that I post under or log in under!
3) I do owe a couple of the girls money for webcaming and 1 girl money for building a site. I am hoping to clear that up this year to end the bad blood because of that!
4) I have never called or reported anyone in my life. Nor would I. I already know those rumours are put to rest with those girls, but some of you guys who heard the story might not have been made aware that I did not do this at all! It was speculations on there part and no real facts. They now know 100% for sure it was not me.
5) I have not done drugs since 1994. I am not on Mons and I am not hiding drugs under my bed because I am dying . That rumour was kind of funny to me. All you will find under my bed is what my dog drags under there & some sex toys!
6) I have no real power on the forum, with clients, in person or anywhere else to be honest! I can not destroy anyones life nor have I ever tried. I am not a person who likes to fight, bickering on a message board is one thing but in person is very different. I do not hold grudges or wish harm to come to anyone. I am the type of person who can bitch you out one day and bake you a cake the next. I get over things very fast because I see that fighting on a forum or on the phone/email is a heat of the moment thing and should not be taken to heart to much! This was to the girls, my feelings dealing with my EX up till the last couple of days were very different, I was a total cunt..lol. That is because there was love and love makes you do crazy things!
So there you have it. This might make you all think I am a crazy Tranny or you might see where I am coming from. You might respect the fact that I choice to air out my issues in a public forum rather then hide and pretend. I am hoping that those girls that have issues with me will put them to rest once and for all. For those clients who lost respect or were told some pretty bad things about me, you might see a different side and now know the truth. I am not saying that some of the girls did not feel they had there reasons to spread lies about me, but just look where it is coming from before trusting what they have said and are saying is true!
I am human. I make mistakes and I am sure I will fuck up again at some point. But I am the first to point out my flaws. I am the first to admit when I am in the wrong. I am not as nasty or vindictive as some have made me seem. This post is from my heart, this post was very hard to write and could other help me or break me. But I felt this post had to be posted. In order for me to move on with my life and try to correct my mistakes and myself, I have to first admit them.
Thank you for taking the time to read what I have wrote. Feel free to ask me anything you have heard or have questions about. I am opening myself up right here & right now to clear the air once and for all. I wanted to start 2010 as a new start for me, but so far it has not gone that way. Let's hope that after today this can be my new start! Lets hope I can now that I have moved on focus on my plans to make a couple of movies, do my book and revamp my life and be who I know I can be.
Now I need a long smoke or 10, eat some BomBoms and have a big drunk of anything..lol!
Thanks again
Tasha
I have been around for many years as you all know. I have had my ups & downs. I have run a company that failed and I made a bad name for myself with some of the girls because of that company & how I ran it. I took on more then I knew how to handle and I did it alone and never asked for help when I needed it. Never a smart business move. I was also not in a place in my life to focus on the company. So, it went belly up and I ran away and just tried to forget about it. I was overwhelmed with my personal life that I could not really deal with it the way it should have been handled.
I have always been someone who felt the need to post how I felt at any given moment. Never one to hold back or think my words would bite me in the ass. If I was honest and I was being myself it was OK. I was wrong. Although I was being honest about my views. I should have stayed out of allot of the drama and I should have just kept my thoughts to myself.
My actions over the last 4 years are really where the problem centers around. Not just with my posts, my company or my life in general. But the way I have dealt with things in my life. How I treated people around me. I have lost alot of respect from people I care about. I have lost the respect & trust from some of my clients as well as from some of the girls. But the biggest part is that, I have lost respect for myself. I almost became that person I hated the most in life. A bitter Tranny!
I am not going to blame anyone for my own actions. But I do feel that the change in my life revolves around my relationship with the person I was going to marry. Before him, I never really had a real relationship. I was alone and was happy with having my sex and the odd date or couple month fling. I was happy spending 15 hours a day on my computer and working to build my site and my life. I did not know any other type of life so I did not miss anything or see anything wrong with that life. I also knew it was not going to last forever so that made it o.k. for me.
But what allot of you did not know was that, I was waiting for him to come into my life and when he did nothing else mattered to me. I waiting 11 years for him to start our life together. I saw that white picketed fence, children and freedom from this life. I saw what he wanted me to see. I listened to how our life was going to be, I trusted him and let that live my life rather then seeing the truth. I really wanted that life so bad that I would have given up everything and in a way I did, just to make it happen.
Although I was happy being "Tasha Jones" I always wanted more. I always felt the other side of the street was where I should be in life. I felt like this life was just a stepping stone to where I should be. Again, I was happy but knew there was more for me to do with my life then just have random sex and jerk off on webcam. There was a love I was meant to experience, happiness I never had and a partner that I would share my life with. All I saw is that I would not be alone anymore because I found someone who accepted me and truly loved me for who I was and not what I was.
I see the post of you guys looking to date a T-Girl. The problem is, most guys do not want that. They say they do and maybe they really think they do. But what they really want is the free sex. What they really see when looking at us is what we have between our legs and not who we are as people. I do not want to be with a guy who just wants my private parts. I want someone who wants me and knows one day that part of me will be gone. I am a woman in my mind, body & Sol and that is how I want to be looked at & treated. So when I found that guy out of 1000 I have tried with, I lost all concept of right & wrong. I lost all reasoning or looking at what was really going on. I saw my dream man! I did not see or care who he really was!
But I did have other dreams. I have a book that is 80% done based on my life. I wanted to make my site/name big enough that I would be able to walk away on a high note and have enough money to live a happy life. I wanted a partner and thought I found one. But when it became clear that this was not going to happen, I found myself trying to force it to happen. I found myself not letting go of those dreams and trying to make them work any way I could. I found myself becoming someone I did not even know! My actions were shameful and were not who I was as a person.
To be honest, so much happened in the last 4 years of my life. So much pain, disappointment, fake happiness, lies and I lost myself in there somewhere. Do not get me wrong, I have not really changed as a person but my writings have become bitter, my views on life & people are now jaded. I do not trust anyone anymore and I find myself acting a part in life rather then living it. This is not who I am on the inside! I do not wish to be this person! I see my faults, I know my mistakes in life, I just choice to look the other way and hope it all works out in the end. Silly thinking but in my view understandable after the personal hell I have been though over the last 4 years.
I will not trash talk this person. I will no longer hold the grudge or feel he owes me anything. People on the outside see things so different. They do not know the truth or the history or understand why I have acted the way I have. It makes no since to them because they have not lived it. They have not lost as much as I have because of him. No one can see or understand the pain I am because it is clear that it is now over and now I am left dealing with my actions. Dealing with the truth that once again, I am alone. They also only see his good side and my bad side. Really, that is all I have shown! But in the end, it is my own fault for not being true to myself for not seeing the truth. Well, that is not 100% truth now is it? I saw it, felt it and knew it in my heart but did not wish to believe it. Everyone else in my life saw my life for what it had become, they told me and I did not listen. I could not listen because the pain was overwhelming and the truth would have been more of a nightmare then a dream.
When I used to post on the forums, people respected what I had to say. They respected me as a person because I have always been true & honest. I made mistakes and did things I should not have, but nothing that could not be over looked. But the last 4 years, my personal anger & pain with my life has bleed into my writings. My views. The way I would give advice or comments I choice to make. Fights I kept getting into. Your heart is the center of your life and mine was broken and because of that it effected every other part of my life.
So here I am, opening my heart & trying to be honest and saying I am sorry. It might make up for past mistakes. It might change peoples views of me. It might answer some questions. But the most impotent thing this post will do for me. Is start my life again. Clear up some rumors that are very untrue & hateful. This post might give people some insight into who I am as a person and not what I have shown or they have been told. Because over the last week some of the things I have heard that has been said about me, shocked me!
Why did no one email me or call me to ask if these rumors where true? I understand that maybe I have been a bit of a "bitch" but I thought that people who I have known me for 10+ years would feel the need or feel safe asking me. So let me clear somethings up once and for all!
1) I am sick, I have diabetes. That is why I have lost the weight I have. I do not eat right, I smoke and for the last 3 months have been drunk more then I should have. I have only been in the hospital 1 time over the last 4 years. That was back in 2006 when I first found out I was diabetic. I have lost almost 45 pounds since September 2006, I am glad I am not as chunky anymore, but wish some had stayed on my ass..lol. So the rumors that I have something else wrong with me, that were started by a couple of the girls. That was told to ever client in London & anyone who would listen. There NOT true! 100% untrue & next time boys & girls you should just ask!
2) I do not own Shemale Canada nor Tgirlforums. I have never owned either of these websites or have any say in how they are run. I was a mod on Tgirl for maybe 2 months back in 2003 but I had no power. I did have some power at first and tried to move post around and clean up the board. I guess that was wrong and I lost my power only 1 week after getting it. I also only had a mod name for a couple of months back then. But from that point till now, I have ONLY ever used Tasha Jones. I do not have any other username that I post under or log in under!
3) I do owe a couple of the girls money for webcaming and 1 girl money for building a site. I am hoping to clear that up this year to end the bad blood because of that!
4) I have never called or reported anyone in my life. Nor would I. I already know those rumours are put to rest with those girls, but some of you guys who heard the story might not have been made aware that I did not do this at all! It was speculations on there part and no real facts. They now know 100% for sure it was not me.
5) I have not done drugs since 1994. I am not on Mons and I am not hiding drugs under my bed because I am dying . That rumour was kind of funny to me. All you will find under my bed is what my dog drags under there & some sex toys!
6) I have no real power on the forum, with clients, in person or anywhere else to be honest! I can not destroy anyones life nor have I ever tried. I am not a person who likes to fight, bickering on a message board is one thing but in person is very different. I do not hold grudges or wish harm to come to anyone. I am the type of person who can bitch you out one day and bake you a cake the next. I get over things very fast because I see that fighting on a forum or on the phone/email is a heat of the moment thing and should not be taken to heart to much! This was to the girls, my feelings dealing with my EX up till the last couple of days were very different, I was a total cunt..lol. That is because there was love and love makes you do crazy things!
So there you have it. This might make you all think I am a crazy Tranny or you might see where I am coming from. You might respect the fact that I choice to air out my issues in a public forum rather then hide and pretend. I am hoping that those girls that have issues with me will put them to rest once and for all. For those clients who lost respect or were told some pretty bad things about me, you might see a different side and now know the truth. I am not saying that some of the girls did not feel they had there reasons to spread lies about me, but just look where it is coming from before trusting what they have said and are saying is true!
I am human. I make mistakes and I am sure I will fuck up again at some point. But I am the first to point out my flaws. I am the first to admit when I am in the wrong. I am not as nasty or vindictive as some have made me seem. This post is from my heart, this post was very hard to write and could other help me or break me. But I felt this post had to be posted. In order for me to move on with my life and try to correct my mistakes and myself, I have to first admit them.
Thank you for taking the time to read what I have wrote. Feel free to ask me anything you have heard or have questions about. I am opening myself up right here & right now to clear the air once and for all. I wanted to start 2010 as a new start for me, but so far it has not gone that way. Let's hope that after today this can be my new start! Lets hope I can now that I have moved on focus on my plans to make a couple of movies, do my book and revamp my life and be who I know I can be.
Now I need a long smoke or 10, eat some BomBoms and have a big drunk of anything..lol!
Thanks again
Tasha
www.ts-sunshine.ca
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