Halp! I just took over 9000mgs of Estrodial and doesn't afraid of anything.

[Tonia Lee]

girlfriend dont let anybody tell you your ugly cause the ones that do are just a waste of skin period.some people dont realize that it hurts like hell to be knocked down pushed around you need to ask yourself does it really matter if you pass or not?its not a life and death thing hell ive done everything under the sun way more then anyother tgirl i know other then nina and i still dont pass but it comes down to one thing and one thing only,,,would i rather live the rest of my life out as a boy or continue the journey to respectabilty and tollerarence? ive made my choice.

Yes. Yes, it is... fucking CLEARLY.
Is your life hell?
I can't go back... I can't go forward. Nothing is working.
It is a life or death thing and you know this to be true.

[tslisaparadise]

Yes. Yes, it is... fucking CLEARLY.
Is your life hell?
I can't go back... I can't go forward. Nothing is working.
It is a life or death thing and you know this to be true.

my life is far from hell im actually one of the spoilled ones around i have everything i want and everything i need and the kicker is i have my kids who stand by me no matter what but i know the ones in the big cities do take alot of crap from alot of nasty people.

[faure]

Candy Darling 1944-1974

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77KC4...eature=related

[Tonia Lee]

my life is far from hell im actually one of the spoilled ones around i have everything i want and everything i need and the kicker is i have my kids who stand by me no matter what but i know the ones in the big cities do take alot of crap from alot of nasty people.

My point.

Mine is. I'm the victim of a sex crime and to afraid to take action.
I'm in a mental state that demands help but can't get it.
I'll never be passable or attractive, not even regarded as human.

[thebigjuggler]

Please oh please seeek help! Why can't you? Is it because you don't want to?

[Tonia Lee]

my life is far from hell im actually one of the spoilled ones around i have everything i want and everything i need and the kicker is i have my kids who stand by me no matter what but i know the ones in the big cities do take alot of crap from alot of nasty people.

Right. Right. Your life is good. Maybe not the greatest, even for a passable attractive trans chick the waves can swell but for me it's like I can't even leave my house.
If I was the person I tried to be, the person I dreamed to be, I would be just another girl like you and not afraid of next month. All this escort shit (look, I say it as I see it and feel it, I mean do disrespect to anybody) looks like a day job compared to the choices I made in the past. It could happen again if I lose my hold on life. I earn just enough to keep in survival mode.
I get my hormones before I get food and water. I will go turn tricks before I ever go off of them.
...and they did jack shit. It's maybe enough to get me through a night at work without looking even worse.
This peaks at times, along with severe GD and an identity complex, at times it's so bad I go days on end without stepping out of my door but for a pack of smokes.
One person just posted to get help and why I can't get it.
I'm glad because the truth is, this is my help. I can't let my doctor know I suffer. He will only give a stable and happy person HRT. When I see him, I look like a house wife or some shit. I smile and look 100% confident as an adult. When he asks me how I'm doing I just smile and say everything is fine.
I can't get help. The severity of this is so bad that most of it I can't talk about here in fear that somebody would baker my ass. If I need a friend, who would be present? Nobody. If I tell some person online, they could turn it against me.
I can't afford proper care, just my hormones.
After I was raped, in time the shock wears off and I was left with a decision. I could have gone to the cops and shit but at that time, the cops had suspected me of prostitution. I was not. They had seen a guy in town go from guy to girl over a year and all the sudden had an eye out for a trans hooker.
I wondered why.
After about... like maybe six months in on HRT, I flipped. I kind of realized that I was never going to be stealth and just lost it. Passing was just the hot topic at first. Next thing I know a girlfriend of mine over doses on account of not passing. The worst part was she does but still wanted to die. I knew that this was kind of an omen. What I saw was the result of a kind of self torture based on the ground of public perspective. If they say it is, it is... in the mind of a weak person.
They had made fun of her for a long time. I couldn't understand why but it resulted in her near death experience I guess.
So, I knew that after so long of this, I would break as well.
I did.
I thought, "Maybe if I go to the worst fucking place in my city, the hole in the wall bar with every ex con in town... I would get a taste of life in some way."
I figured I would face my fear even if it meant death and at that time death was something not to be feared in any way.
If I don't pass in here, they will kill me. This is the only way I will learn.
That's just what I did and I almost got killed.
Surprise.
I started blacking out. I was alone and drinking. At some point, I must have left my webcam on. So many saw me and heard me when I fell out. I don't recall any of it but they say I was crying and bashing my head in. They told me I was ranting on about never being female in third person while I threw up.
A phone call took place but she won't tell me the things I told her. She said that they would hurt me if I could remember them sober. My memories that had been deeply covered came out. I asked her if I did something terrible. She said, yes but it's over. I asked if I was in trouble. She said no, your not.
If I didn't grip life I would die so I went cold turkey. I'm sober now. It's been a good amount of time, I'm very proud of myself.
I just took my meds and hoped for the best.
I live as a working class poor tranny in the downtown area of a fuck hole city.
I gave up on it. I just go to work. It's all I can do.
I work 40-45 hours a week, breaking my ass under unreal stress for no fucking reason. I have nothing to show for it.
I was alone so I decided to take a chance. I had a few dates from posting online. Those dates amounted to sex. Just sex.
One night I had hopes on a handsome guy in his early forties. I called him, he sounded very nice and I invited him over for dinner.
I began cooking dinner and the phone rings. He tells me he had park down the street so if I could stand outside for him. I look out... plenty of parking WTF?
Here he comes and he's so handsome. He walks up and I said, "Hey! Hi... I made us dinner..."
He grabbed me.
Pushed me in the door.
Looks out the window.
Locks the door.
I walk into my living room.
He tells me to turn out the lights. I went to go "get something" in my room and he jut shook his head.
I said, Oh why is that..?
He let me know. His laugh and that smirk as he grabbed me again. He knew not to leave evidence in me. I have no proof.
He gets this show and junks on me, laughs and tells me it's a bad place to live, that bad things happen all the time in a place like this.

So, for confidence I post amateur porn. It's fun. However, when I am insulted, it doesn't just bother me. It causes nightmares.

[tslisaparadise]

Right. Right. Your life is good. Maybe not the greatest, even for a passable attractive trans chick the waves can swell but for me it's like I can't even leave my house.
If I was the person I tried to be, the person I dreamed to be, I would be just another girl like you and not afraid of next month. All this escort shit (look, I say it as I see it and feel it, I mean do disrespect to anybody) looks like a day job compared to the choices I made in the past. It could happen again if I lose my hold on life. I earn just enough to keep in survival mode.
I get my hormones before I get food and water. I will go turn tricks before I ever go off of them.
...and they did jack shit. It's maybe enough to get me through a night at work without looking even worse.
This peaks at times, along with severe GD and an identity complex, at times it's so bad I go days on end without stepping out of my door but for a pack of smokes.
One person just posted to get help and why I can't get it.
I'm glad because the truth is, this is my help. I can't let my doctor know I suffer. He will only give a stable and happy person HRT. When I see him, I look like a house wife or some shit. I smile and look 100% confident as an adult. When he asks me how I'm doing I just smile and say everything is fine.
I can't get help. The severity of this is so bad that most of it I can't talk about here in fear that somebody would baker my ass. If I need a friend, who would be present? Nobody. If I tell some person online, they could turn it against me.
I can't afford proper care, just my hormones.
After I was raped, in time the shock wears off and I was left with a decision. I could have gone to the cops and shit but at that time, the cops had suspected me of prostitution. I was not. They had seen a guy in town go from guy to girl over a year and all the sudden had an eye out for a trans hooker.
I wondered why.
After about... like maybe six months in on HRT, I flipped. I kind of realized that I was never going to be stealth and just lost it. Passing was just the hot topic at first. Next thing I know a girlfriend of mine over doses on account of not passing. The worst part was she does but still wanted to die. I knew that this was kind of an omen. What I saw was the result of a kind of self torture based on the ground of public perspective. If they say it is, it is... in the mind of a weak person.
They had made fun of her for a long time. I couldn't understand why but it resulted in her near death experience I guess.
So, I knew that after so long of this, I would break as well.
I did.
I thought, "Maybe if I go to the worst fucking place in my city, the hole in the wall bar with every ex con in town... I would get a taste of life in some way."
I figured I would face my fear even if it meant death and at that time death was something not to be feared in any way.
If I don't pass in here, they will kill me. This is the only way I will learn.
That's just what I did and I almost got killed.
Surprise.
I started blacking out. I was alone and drinking. At some point, I must have left my webcam on. So many saw me and heard me when I fell out. I don't recall any of it but they say I was crying and bashing my head in. They told me I was ranting on about never being female in third person while I threw up.
A phone call took place but she won't tell me the things I told her. She said that they would hurt me if I could remember them sober. My memories that had been deeply covered came out. I asked her if I did something terrible. She said, yes but it's over. I asked if I was in trouble. She said no, your not.
If I didn't grip life I would die so I went cold turkey. I'm sober now. It's been a good amount of time, I'm very proud of myself.
I just took my meds and hoped for the best.
I live as a working class poor tranny in the downtown area of a fuck hole city.
I gave up on it. I just go to work. It's all I can do.
I work 40-45 hours a week, breaking my ass under unreal stress for no fucking reason. I have nothing to show for it.
I was alone so I decided to take a chance. I had a few dates from posting online. Those dates amounted to sex. Just sex.
One night I had hopes on a handsome guy in his early forties. I called him, he sounded very nice and I invited him over for dinner.
I began cooking dinner and the phone rings. He tells me he had park down the street so if I could stand outside for him. I look out... plenty of parking WTF?
Here he comes and he's so handsome. He walks up and I said, "Hey! Hi... I made us dinner..."
He grabbed me.
Pushed me in the door.
Looks out the window.
Locks the door.
I walk into my living room.
He tells me to turn out the lights. I went to go "get something" in my room and he jut shook his head.
I said, Oh why is that..?
He let me know. His laugh and that smirk as he grabbed me again. He knew not to leave evidence in me. I have no proof.
He gets this show and junks on me, laughs and tells me it's a bad place to live, that bad things happen all the time in a place like this.

So, for confidence I post amateur porn. It's fun. However, when I am insulted, it doesn't just bother me. It causes nightmares.

you need to relax but im sure the mones wont allow you to do that i see it all the time the dose may be too strong it messes with the brain and every little thing becomes a worry so im asking you to please be honest with your doctor and oopen up there there to help you,it took me 7 or 8 different types of mones and doses to get my levels right and for the past year ive totally givin up on them as the risks far outweigh the benefits i still feel like a woman i act like a woman and i think like a woman but i know a trans girl will never be a woman so i ask myself whats really wrong with just being me?and the first thing that comes to mind is nuttin i love being me and i dont give a shit about the ones who dont like it im way past that silly stuff and you ll get there as well it just takes time and patience just remember to stay posative and keep the negative morons in the garbage where they belong hell i dont know one guy who could have the strenth and courage to do what we do period .

[Tonia Lee]

My HRT "may" have a little to do with.... me being a batshit crazy bitch. I'm sure 300mgs of spi a day has subtle effects on me.
What did work is something I go on middle of the month. It's a gel. It's an estrodiol that you apply to your wrists. I noticed results. I've only been on 6mgs of Estrace now and that's not enough. If I bump to 8mgs, I lose a writ and need to go back for eval. That would suck. How would I explain that?
I order the gel online. When I have it, I use that twice a day along with my 6mgs of Estrogen and 300mgs of spi...and 20mgs of Micros.... sometimes I have Esrofem laying around so I pop those until I run out.
....
......

The only thing I wanted was hair removal. So, I start that. Fuck the electric death needle, I just want my face nuked. I go in for the torture chair oncee a week now and it does JACK FUCK. Well, I leave sobbing looking like somebody threw acid on my mouth. I figured I pass. I thought I did WTF? I don't want surgery, ever.
Like, nobody calls me "he", not at a store, not at bar, not at work but sure as shit I post porn and it's "Your ugly. You look like a man right off the bat. Die in a fire."
I just don't get it.
The easter bunny thing is going on now and I have some cool ideas and want to post. Admin said that nobody is allowed to fuck with me but I just know somebody will. I can see it now.
I just want the easter bunny thing.
Maybe... I'll never be a Shemaleyum star. MAYBE. That may not happen.
Ok, won't ever happen if even I can fly my sorry ass out to VA.
If I do the easter bunny thing...
I have faced my inner demons and can live in confidence as the girl that put bunny ears on and doesn't afraid of anything.

[tslisaparadise]

My HRT "may" have a little to do with.... me being a batshit crazy bitch. I'm sure 300mgs of spi a day has subtle effects on me.
What did work is something I go on middle of the month. It's a gel. It's an estrodiol that you apply to your wrists. I noticed results. I've only been on 6mgs of Estrace now and that's not enough. If I bump to 8mgs, I lose a writ and need to go back for eval. That would suck. How would I explain that?
I order the gel online. When I have it, I use that twice a day along with my 6mgs of Estrogen and 300mgs of spi...and 20mgs of Micros.... sometimes I have Esrofem laying around so I pop those until I run out.
....
......

The only thing I wanted was hair removal. So, I start that. Fuck the electric death needle, I just want my face nuked. I go in for the torture chair oncee a week now and it does JACK FUCK. Well, I leave sobbing looking like somebody threw acid on my mouth. I figured I pass. I thought I did WTF? I don't want surgery, ever.
Like, nobody calls me "he", not at a store, not at bar, not at work but sure as shit I post porn and it's "Your ugly. You look like a man right off the bat. Die in a fire."
I just don't get it.
The easter bunny thing is going on now and I have some cool ideas and want to post. Admin said that nobody is allowed to fuck with me but I just know somebody will. I can see it now.
I just want the easter bunny thing.
Maybe... I'll never be a Shemaleyum star. MAYBE. That may not happen.
Ok, won't ever happen if even I can fly my sorry ass out to VA.
If I do the easter bunny thing...
I have faced my inner demons and can live in confidence as the girl that put bunny ears on and doesn't afraid of anything.

listen im just trying to help you out ive been there done that if its not the mones then you need to look in the mirrer at yourself and chance the things about you that you dont like cause you come across like a nutjob and i know thats not what anyone wants.

[Tonia Lee]

Cabin Fever 2 Review (I dunno, Barbie's doing them)

I want to review a very meaningful and provocative film I saw last night.

As everybody I'm sure is aware of, considering the countless fans and guys begging to lick my body, standing outside on my lawn and screaming my name, I love horror.
Since I was like... three... I have enjoyed assaulting my mind with the most disturbing shit on earth.
I rented the second installment of Cabin Fever. So, this would be the second movie in the series.
I watched it well over ten times in the past hour, this is just how rad it is.
I compare the movie to the ultra brutal, nerve wrecking movie, "Martyrs".
This is just as profound if not even more. Martyrs hit on sub levels of human fear while this surfaces fear that is even more sub than the sub horror I just mentioned in this sentence.
The acting is amazing, even better than say... "Saving Private Ryan". That film was bad and had no real plot to speak of so I don't recommend that one.
Like the French cult classic, "Martyrs", it pushes the limits of what the human mind can endure. Only this involves a penis.
Penis was never the subject of horror, nor fat girls having sex in a pool.
I was witness to the most meaningful movie ever made when this film graced my eyes tonight.
The plot (not to give away any spoilers) is about a severe bloody nose and an STD infected stripper. People die from bleeding and one guy flips shit and a kills another person for no reason. They are all bleeding and dying.
Cabin fever was closed in terror with great characters and memorable scenes like the chick shaving in the shower. The first one had intense scare tactics and combined it with dark comedy. So, it sucked. This movie does it right because it removes all of those elements.
When it was over, I had to confront my thoughts on death but only by reflecting on my life and overcoming my fears as a human being lost in this mad world... this very, very... mad world.
Films are not made this good anymore. Film direction is weak, plot is water thin and I really think "Hostel" was ground breaking in that it illustrated a drill being put through a young mans torso about six times.
I assume that this film will go down with the greatest movies ever made.

[Tonia Lee]

My public announcement to the general public as of right now.

I have a very important announcement to make.
This means a lot to me so I ask you for your continued support.
I have decided as of Apr,10 2010 that will never...
Suck a dick.
I've had it. Ok, I'm up to here in cock and I won't just back down to the will of perverts ANYMORE!
Why, you ask? The answer is thus:
99.05% of men are repressed homosexuals that only desire my cock for the sake of fulfilling some perverted gay fantasy AND JUSTIFY IT by me being a transsexual.
They never want to pop my poochy. All they ever ask for is sodomy with various food products and I am not a fucking veggie whore. This leads me to believe everything my friend Barbie said is TRUE and that ... well, OK, maybe I'm the only one holding an eggplant and a bottle of Astroglide.
This is my vow and I ask you to TAKE THIS VOW with me so we can show the entire world that we will not be used as a fetish for fruit or otherwise.
Come on girls? Do you REALLY just want some hot guy to rail you deep up against a wall while you moan and cum in pure orgasmic Nirvana?
Please.
I know better.

I am never going to have sex again.
So, if you wanted my body TOUGH SHIT.
Well, that and my face is breaking really bad. Every time I go back on my microgest it happens SRSLY WTF? Look like I have some STD Lol lol l (cough)

[tslisaparadise]

[QUOTE=Tonia Lee;241964]Come on girls? Do you REALLY just want some hot guy to rail you deep up against a wall while you moan and cum in pure orgasmic Nirvana?
/QUOTE]
YEP YEP I DO

[Tonia Lee]

[QUOTE=tslisaparadise;241968]

Come on girls? Do you REALLY just want some hot guy to rail you deep up against a wall while you moan and cum in pure orgasmic Nirvana?
/QUOTE]
YEP YEP I DO

See this shit? This is the problem. You let your "penis" dictate actions and that is bad for the transsexual image. I chose to be a fucking nun because men are 92.993% PIGS and I will have no part in this romp in the filthy mud with them.
Lisa, your too young to understand this choice. When you hit my age, 47, you can talk to me about being drilled relentless by handsome, strong men just grinding your ass.
Until then, keep your panties clean.
Take my X for example, he was a total trap chaser and all he wanted to do was mount me like a wild stag or some.... squirrel.
I got sick of it, Lisa. I called off the games and when I said, "What am I too you?", he just threw me some old towel and drove off into the horizon in his little sports car. Fucking LOSER I HATE YOU
So, we had been talking about HRT and effect it has on the mind if taken in extremely high dosages,
What are your thoughts on this?

[Tonia Lee]

People, I'm getting far to many responses. Let's all just please give me some room to breath and some time to think.
Girls, it has now been over 48 hours since I have seen a cock.
I contacted Readers Digest with this but they just "won't listen" to me.
I feel good. I feel confident in my choice. I don't miss it.
For years this obsession with sex and all the fuck happy times of poochy popping and dick slapping is OVER. It's over and I am a brand new person.
I look in the mirror (what is left intact on my wall) and say to myself, "Self, you have virtue. You are the example of the community. Be the pride that is the upstanding, moral woman of the shemale porn and escort forums."
I began to touch myself.
I didn't realize I was doing it until I was on a chair doing that "Good Bye Horses" dance. It started like when I would shower. I would sometimes "hum" that song until next thing I knew I adopted a poodle.
This is the effect of media.
So, I get myself off. This is not breaking my code. I can use my anal beads... ain't no feck'n harm in that.
Well, I have some good news for the one person (if any) that reads my post.
As you may have noticed (probably not), I made an offer to friends and forum members to see me on cam and I will write the names of the people that post a request from me... on my tits and ass with lipstick.
This is still operation GO but I has a problem.
In order to see me at my most explicit (ok, why the fuck are you holding your mouth?) I have to go to a place that would allow for such behavior.
Can anybody provide me with a free webcam hosting ADULT site like say, an adult version of Tinychat?
This way.. everything is kosher.
This should be very fun. When I get registered and everything is set up, I will post here and on my profile page as well.
Need some new friends. Now is the time to do that, hit me up if your new or just lurk around.
You can't beat it with a crowbar, dude.
Free porn, live chick...

Profit.

[Tonia Lee]

Also pics!

Poll: If you HAD to have sex with me... would you...
? Close your eyes and pretend you are in a peaceful grassy field and you are happy and content? ? Drink heavy? ? Experiment with various food products? ? Record it without my knowledge and share it with family and friends? ? (Results)