Joke of the day

[bean]

Re: Joke of the day

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

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Re: Joke of the day

http://www.sexyandfunny.com/EasterBlonde.shtml

Turn up the volume sit back and enjoy, from Brickhouse Betty.

[1percentpresident]

Re: Joke of the day

Aww man now I'm going to spend all day at that site

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Re: Joke of the day

Enjoy the site Kiwi, cuz you just hafta apply this formula at work.


Giving More

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

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Re: Joke of the day

Male of Female sports?

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Re: Joke of the day

Blonde Carpenters...

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?".
Becky explained, "When I pull out a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away".
Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!".

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Re: Joke of the day

Which part of us goes to heaven first?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted....

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Re: Joke of the day

A bit of HUMOUR to brighten up this gloomy day (I lost one hour of my sleep)

HAND SEX
http://z.wimp.com:8000/v/hand.wmv

STRIPPED NAKED
http://z.wimp.com:8000/v/stripped.wmv

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Re: Joke of the day

Glad To Be A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

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Re: Joke of the day

Question To Hell!


There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian.
They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.

When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, "How many grains of sand are there in the world?"

The Italian guy says, "Um, four trillion?" and falls straight to Hell.

The polish guy goes next and wants the angel to ask a question. The angel says, "How many drops of water are there in all of the world's oceans?"

He says, "Uh, ninety-eight billion?" and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, it's the American's turn. He tells the angel he will ask the question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, "Which hole did my fart go through?"

The angel replies, "That's easy," and points to a hole.

The American says, "No, it came out of this one!" He points to his asshole and then goes to Heaven.

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Re: Joke of the day

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you tonite

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you tonite

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you that night

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you tonite

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with
you tonite

What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex right now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

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Re: Joke of the day

American/Canadian Idol he is not!

Watch this stupid video of a guy doing the idiot dance.

IDIOT DANCE

After watching this guy dance, this is what happens!!!

RIOT FIGHT

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Re: Joke of the day

This question was asked sometime ago, but to those new here.....a member inquired what does " I'm a llama" mean" Well, click on the link and you shall have your answer.

I'M A LLAMA

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Re: Joke of the day

Great tune to listen to, if you grew up in the 80's

AXEL F's song reanimated

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Re: Joke of the day

How to be a Man

1. Don't call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, like "Spike."

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People
will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name
in urine.

11. Say things like "Wha...?"

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Don't have a clue.

14. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you
don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come
up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For
example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I
produce daily."

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours,
so be it. You will have the coveted "Door Spot" and other will
worship you.

31. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was
such a pimp back then."

33. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when
you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed.
Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check
on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random
emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random,
inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY don't want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go
ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to
do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the
job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say
"See? I told you I couldn't do it." Eventually people will stop
asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to "pussy music" like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.