A little humour to reduce the heat today

[toban]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!


The following Sunday, he watched carefully as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

[tslisaparadise]

RENT FOR APARTMENT:

A married businessman met a beautiful young girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office next day, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and that
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, after renting I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't enough heat, and
#3 - it was too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full as agreed upon or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

oh my that was awesome good job bud i especially like the part that says if you dont have enough furniture to fill it,please dont blame the management, lmfao

[LOLA_]

oh my that was awesome good job bud i especially like the part that says if you dont have enough furniture to fill it,please dont blame the management, lmfao

thats so funny , i love it

[markerverse]

Good One Toban !

Levity is important in the proper balance of our daily lives. Keep them coming. Soothes the nerves and god knows some of us who attend these forums need soothing.

[tslisaparadise]

Levity is important in the proper balance of our daily lives. Keep them coming. Soothes the nerves and god knows some of us who attend these forums need soothing.

now theres the understatement of the year lol

[markerverse]

Isn't it odd....... ??



> >> Only in Canada.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
> >> back
> >> of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
> >> cigarettes at the front.
> >>
> >>
> >> Only in Canada.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
> >> a diet coke.
> >>
> >>
> >> Only in Canada...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
> >> to
> >> the counters.
> >>
> >>
> >> Only in Canada.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
> >> driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
> >>
> >>
> >> Only in Canada .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
> >> packages of eight.
> >>
> >>
> >> Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> >> lettering.
> >>
> >>
> >> EVER WONDER ...
> >>
> >>
> >> Why the sun lightens our hair,
> >> but darkens our skin?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
> >> made
> >> with real lemons?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
> >>
> >>
> >> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
> >> don't
> >> they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
> >>
> >>
> >> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >>
> >>
> >> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> >>
> >>
> >> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
> >> stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
> >> even
> >> a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile
> >> every
> >> once in a while.
> >>
> >>
> >>
************************************************** ********************************

[intowntonight]

That last post sounded like George Carlin. I think this thread may be the perfect place to say goodbye to George, who left us this week. Always able to cut through the bullshit. I actually think bullshit was one of the seven words you couldn't say on television.

As I am stuck in the country, and can't go to Goodhandy's tonight, I will watch Saturday Night Live. They are replaying the first ever show. George Carlin was the first ever host, and Janis Ian was the first ever musical guest.

Happy trails to you, George.

[toban]

Why can?t you send a woman to Home Depot?

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer Mary spotted a beautiful bathroom faucet that she really liked.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked..."How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "Well, that's made of pewter and it'll run you about $300."

"My goodness, that sure is a lot!" she exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I would for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

[markerverse]

Maybe this one ??

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it' s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[santiago423]

> >> Only in Canada .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
> >> packages of eight.

Answer: Because ten hot dogs weigh 1 pound, and 2 rows of 4 buns fits on the bakery trays better than 2 rows of five.
> >>
> >> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Answer: Because if the governor calls at the last minute with a reprieve is part of the reason, but it's mostly because it's bureaucratic regulations.
> >>
> >>
> >> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
> >> don't
> >> they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Answer: A plane made of the same material as the black box would be too heavy too fly.

> >> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
> >> stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
> >> even
> >> a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile
> >> every
> >> once in a while.

Very true, as a wise man once said, don't take life too seriously, or else you'll never get out of it alive.

Thanks to http://www.straightdope.com/ for the answers to the questions.
>

[toban]

The Indian Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in India . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, 'You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Indian man replied, 'Just try dem on, Saiheeb.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian shopkeeper then began screaming,

'NO, NO, YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Amethyst Dark]

rofl

When I was a little girl, I had a little whim.
I'd pull my panties down, and stick my fingers in.

Now I'm a girl that's 24, with lots of wit and charm;
My boyfriend pulls my panties down, and sticks in half his arm!

[Rantsalot]

...

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[chantel]

very cute

[LadyMissKier]

very cute

And yourself as well...