Money!

[Rantsalot]

...

[Rantsalot]

[Lani]

Why Men Can't be Car Models

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

Just a reminder........


Why Parents Have Gray Hair


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". with the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that i'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tatoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad. she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better, she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worst things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Why Men Can't be Car Models

[Lani]

"What do you do all day"?

"What Do You Do All Day?"





A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajama's, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes strewn all over around the yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various item of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small file of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in bed in her pajama's, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know everyday when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredelous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

To all the members here who still has a Mother, a wife....
remember them tomorrow and give them your warmest love and appreciation and let them celebrate their 'HAPPY MOTHERS DAY'

[Lani]

"What Do You Do All Day?"





A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajama's, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes strewn all over around the yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various item of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small file of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in bed in her pajama's, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know everyday when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredelous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

To all the members here who still has a Mother, a wife....
remember them tomorrow and give them your warmest love and appreciation and let them celebrate their 'HAPPY MOTHERS DAY'

MOTHER


For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful, for those of you who aren't, this is even more beautiful.


The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than this years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm and path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, " A little patient and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reach the top they said, "Mother, we could not have done it without you."

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an ever! lasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone and their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."

Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED....

[Lani]

To All The Members Here And Admin 'a Happy Mothers Day' To Your Beloved 'mom'

MOTHER


For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful, for those of you who aren't, this is even more beautiful.


The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than this years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm and path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, " A little patient and we are there." So the children climbed, and when they reach the top they said, "Mother, we could not have done it without you."

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an ever! lasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone and their children after them."

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."

Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED....

We (I) owed everything to them (HER) and what they (SHE) have sacrificed.

(ON A PERSONAL NOTE: MY MOTHER SURVIVED WHEN MY FATHER ABANDONED US WHEN I WAS JUST A VERY YOUNG KID, THOUGH WE RECONCILED WITH HIM BEFORE HE DIED, MY DEEPEST APPRECIATION BELONGS TO MY MOTHER. AND I'M PRAYING THAT SHE'LL BE GIVEN A MUCH MUCH MORE LONGER TIME)

[toban]

The best put-down line ever

The best put-down line ever

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop that was visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[toban]

Another Blond Joke

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10."

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I?m blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes dear, it?s because you?re blonde."

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were saying our alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I got up to G. See? A,B,C, D,E,F,G!"

"That?s very good," said the mother.

"Is it because I?m blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes dear, it?s because you?re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school, "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" With that she lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C?s.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I?m blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, its because you?re 24."

[Rantsalot]

...

A blonde was driving down the highway to Canada's Wonderland. As she was driving she saw a sign that said "Canada's Wonderland Left".

So she turned the car around and drove home.

[Lani]

Oh My!!

A blonde was driving down the highway to Canada's Wonderland. As she was driving she saw a sign that said "Canada's Wonderland Left".

So she turned the car around and drove home.

Just as I decided to go blonde, you and Toban posted this classic dumb blonde joke on my thread LOL! you got no souls hahaha. It's actually very funny jokes, Thanks for this add. And I wish you two finds an intelligent brunette as partner in life LOL!

[toban]

A kinda brunette joke for Jenllani

TWO SISTERS---ONE BLONDE, ONE BRUNETTE!!!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in deep financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in the next town, so that they can stop paying breeding fees and breed their own stock.

But they only have $600 to work with. So, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home.'


The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.00, no less. She agrees and pays him, then drives to the nearest telegraph office to tell her sister the good news.


She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck, and drive here so we can haul it home.'


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.


After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'.'


The operator looks at her and shakes his head. 'How is she ever goin' to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck, and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you only send her just the one word, 'comfortable'?'


So the brunette explains, 'My sister is a blonde. That word is big. She'll read it very slowly ......... com - for - da - bull'.



NOW ISN'T THAT JUST THE BESTEST 'BLONDE' JOKE YOU'VE HEARD IN AWHILE !!!!

[Lani]

Your Blonde Jokes Are Funny! Toban & Rantsalot, But..

But you two might have a hard time now acquiring their services LOL! So, If I were you I should quit now hahahahahaha.


And this one is for you.



Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a fragment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives fast a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiousity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTER OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the stairs and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask,
'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door. '

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instruct, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[toban]

I'll raise you one sister

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, 'Oh, Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy.'

'Sister Mary Katherine,' exclaimed Jack, 'I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!'

'Oh Jack', she responded, 'it's only for the Mother Superior.' Her voice dropped, 'It helps her constipation, you know.' So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine! And she was plastered! She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed, 'Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!'

Sister Mary Katherine replied, 'And so it is... She's gonna shit when she sees me.'

[Lani]

Can You Guess What This Place Is??

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THIS PLACE IS??













Jail in Austria ....

Thank God we don't have such prison, or else a large number of this nation's population would become CRIMINALS!

[giancarlo]

"Money can't buy happiness, they only maintain it." - anonymous