A Little Levity

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

More jokes! and this is especially dedicated to some grumpy AND horny, But! who couldn't get any LOL!





An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat
watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days
and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify
him as soon as they found something, Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to
the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."





Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in 6 months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. wives like that are very hard to find!





Prospective Employer to Applicant: "So why did you leave your previous job?"

Applicant: "The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"






Boss of a Company: "So, give me two reason why should I hire you?"

Applicant: "Because I know your 'Mistress' and I know where You and Your Wife live.

Boss of a Company: "Your Hired!"





John: "Mel! where have you been?"

Mel: "I just got back from my Mother-in-law's burial."

John: "Why are you all scratched, bloodied and bruised?"

Mel: "It's hard to bury her...She's resisting and fighting so hard!"

[Rantsalot]

Re: A Little Levity

That was funny

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond, fixed up really nice for swimming, along with some
picnic tables and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond , he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men may move slow but can still think fast.







When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I
stopped and ask her what was wrong? she said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home, He makes
love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my
favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half of the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "well, why in the world would
you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"




ADVANCE HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!

( I Have to watch 'Dancing with The Stars' now, I'll post the rest later. )

[Rantsalot]

Re: A Little Levity

Does anyone know anything about whats happened to markerverse?

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

[b]DUSTY UNDERWEAR



One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your
clothes in Slim fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!!"

His wife not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the hell is this??" he said
to himself as a little white dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker...It's not talcum powder......"It's Miracle Grow."







LITTLE JOHNNIE




Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
He's dad told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears,
he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision. "That's great",
said Little Johnnie, [b]"coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

Does anyone know anything about whats happened to markerverse?

Markerverse, whatever happened or wherever you maybe ( I do really hope that your okay and maybe just decided to leave the forum altogether, and could be the reason for your long absence here, which is unusual from you. ) And I am dedicating all my posted jokes to you since you're the one who started this thread, and Markerverse memberships here, as well as his inputs and words of wisdom is greatly appreciated. We will miss you! I will miss you.



HAPPY LONG WEEKEND THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!


Jenllani

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

Touching X Two

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Toronto, ON. to Branson, MO. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it runs away...!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a
little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I just found the remote."

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

That is so funny! Toban, Thanks for sharing

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

That is so funny! Toban, Thanks for sharing

Glad you enjoyed the chuckle.

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

Sorry! I failed to post this funny pics. I'll try again later.

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

WAL-MART DOCTOR


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money."Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at the Wal-Mart.
Just give it urine Sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about It. Also, It takes only
about ten seconds, costs only ten dollars and is a whole lot
cheaper than going to a doctor."

So Joe collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, the computer lights up and it asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology
was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.


The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!

Cheers,

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

FRIENDS






How quickly the years pass..................

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

Condoms and the Flu

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?" I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter"

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

Product Testimonials

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

I've used it all of my married life, because my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I quickly grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go now, have to write to the Hefty bag people.