A Little Levity

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

where do you get these jokes? and is this a portrait drawing of you?
Very beautiful eyes! and very succulent lips!

Looks like Angelina Jolie to me.

Where exactly is markerverse these days?

I'm worried about him too! He's never been absent from this forum this long period of time before.
But I do hope he just went for vacation or something, Markerverse we're hoping you would log on here soon if you're around so we know that everything is alright with you.

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

I sent him a message to see...but no response hopefully he's ok

There must be some ladies here who have had the privileged of his company before, and may know his contact number,
so she could get in touch with him and to let us know if he's okay.

[sensual_lover20]

Re: A Little Levity

I sent him a message to see...but no response hopefully he's ok

There must be some ladies here who have had the privileged of his company before, and may know his contact number,
so she could get in touch with him and to let us know if he's okay.

I do miss his incomprehensible messages. I better start reading the economist until he comes back.

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

Here's another:

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at
Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won?t let me shop there anymore!!!

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

And a couple more:


Her Skirt Was Too Tight ....

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ralph's Surgery:

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, although rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you were going to lengthen his legs, weren't you?

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

Here's another:

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at
Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won?t let me shop there anymore!!!

Toban that is so funny! Thanks for sharing. I wish anyone who may have some jokes to share will give us the pleasure of reading it. Don't worry, this wont be a competition of whose joke is the funniest, any light hearted and funny anecdotes will be greatly appreciated and can make this world or this forum a place ( aside from sex, although i'm sure some would say, oh! I prefer sex, believe me we all are. It's just not possible for us to do it all the time ) to unwind. so we welcome you jokester to join us.

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have.


TIM and EDNA were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, TIM suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
EDNA promptly jumped in to save him she swam to the bottom and pulled TIM out of the pool.
When the Director of Nursing heard of EDNA'S heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital as she now considered EDNA to be mentally stable.

She went to EDNA to give her the good news.
"EDNA, I have good news for you and I have bad news too. The good news is you are being discharged
from here since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping into the pool and saving the life
of another, thus demonstrating you have a sound mind."
The Director of nursing went on to say "The bad news is that TIM, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry but he is dead."

EDNA replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"





TWO FRIENDS TALKING

Peter: Why do you look so sad?

Jason: Because my wife hired a driver, young, tall, dark and handsome!

Peter: So, you're jealous?

Jason: It just makes me wonder, because we dont have a car!





A Filipino lady was taking the exam for US Naturalization and Citizenship.
She aced the test. The examiner said, "Now, the last part of the exam is a vocabulary test.
Can you spell the word ''Window?"
The lady said, "W-I-N-D-O-W.";
"Ah, very good," the examiner said. "Now, use it in a sentence."
"WINDOW I get my citizenship papers?"


Paul, a Teacher in a ESL (English as second language) class.
Challenge Roy, one of his newly arrived immigrant student.
Teacher: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Roy: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul.....

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

Here's a couple more for Saturday morning:




GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND:

Little Johnnie went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys
in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and asked,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went
to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me
feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with having my TV
as my boyfriend now that Grandpa is gone."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. Little
Johnnie heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there
stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home? The little boy replied,
"Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend".


The minister fainted.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The Taste Test:

One day a teacher decided to try giving a blindfold taste test to her students,
using familiar foods, etc. She chose a little boy called Johnny to be the first
to try the test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and
asked him:

"Now Johnny, do you know what it is that you have in your mouth now?"

"No, I don't," said little Johnny.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants your Mommy to
give him just before he leaves for work in the morning."

That's when a little girl at the back of the room shouted out loudly,

?Johnny! Stop! Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!?

[Rantsalot]

Re: A Little Levity

Medical Practice

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads are interchangeable".

Sorry Toban. Didnt realize I posted your joke as well as with mine...lol Glad someone caught it and told me....cuz....that would've been silly to post the same joke twice. Thats what happens when you dont pay attention to "cut" and paste".

[Lani]

Re: A Little Levity

It's okay Mr. Rantsalot mistakes do happens. Just pay a little more attention next time LOL!.



Anyway, here's a Sunday treat!



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added
that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." The widow replied, "I nursed him night and day
so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."





A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service,
the casket pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for
ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,
"Watch that wall!"






Woman: Doctor, why there is always a visible and angry veins in my husband Penis?

Doctor: Those are varicose veins.

Woman: And what do you think causes it?

Doctor: The same thing that happens to your legs ....when it's always standing up!!!





Woman: Doctor, I have brownish discharge. It's like an infection.

Doctor: How often do you have sex?

Woman: Just once a year.

Doctor: Ahh, that is not an infection, THAT'S RUST!!

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

More by Courtesy of admin & John T Bone



Meet My Mistress?

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she?ll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, ?Who the hell was that??

?Oh,? replies the husband, ?she?s my mistress.?

?Well, that?s the last straw,? says the wife. ?I?ve had enough, I want a divorce.?

?I can understand that,? replies her husband, ?but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don?t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus?s in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours.?

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
?Who?s that woman with Jim?? asks the wife.

?That?s his mistress,? says her husband.

?Ours is prettier,? she replies.

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

ANY ITALIANS IN THE AUDIENCE?


Now that's Italian:

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and
makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed
in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits
in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores,
a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So here?s another Italian Story:

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He offered to pay her
a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and to
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, collapsed and fell to the floor.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!!!"

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

Medical Practice

..................................... Sorry Toban. Didnt realize I posted your joke as well as with mine...lol Glad someone caught it and told me....cuz....that would've been silly to post the same joke twice. Thats what happens when you dont pay attention to "cut" and paste".



No apology necessary - actually your version of the story was better than mine!

[toban]

Re: A Little Levity

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart."

[Navi]

Re: A Little Levity

TL;DR