and now its time for humour

[maddplotter]

Funny quote of the day.

"As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists."

[Locomotion]

American Beer

American beer is like making love on the beach ...

IT'S FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER!

[maddplotter]

hehehe, good one.


Here's another:

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, Salty."

[Rose]

Funny quote of the day.

"As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists."

I'll have to keep that in mind for my upcoming bike trip. Lol.

[maddplotter]

Death to the two wheelers!

[maddplotter]

I wish this happened to me

professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves,"
he said. "You all get 'A's."

[Wiseone26]

....

after not having net for 2 weeks I'm back.



Now could this be Rants in his batman costume

[sensual_lover20]

An English professor wrote the words on the chalkboard:

?A woman without her man is nothing?

He asked the students to punctuate it correctly.


All of the males in the class wrote:

?A woman, without her man, is nothing.?


All of the females in the class wrote:

?A woman: without her, man is nothing.?

[jimwa]

The Dead Cow and Vet

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now, learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.

[maddplotter]

Careful of what you drink.

"The Environmental Protection Agency says that traces of
pharmaceuticals have been found in rivers and lakes all
across the country. This can lead to very serious side
effects like fish with erections lasting more than four
hours." -Craig Ferguson

[maddplotter]

How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.




I do not go out much so I wonder what are some of the cheesiest lines you guys hear out there?

[maddplotter]

Hockey humor

Any hockey fans out there?

[maddplotter]

and now its time for Tiger Woods jokes!

What?s the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

......

"Tiger said the fault for the accident was his Cadillac Escalade. So typical of a golfer. Always blame the caddy!"
......

"What did the OnStar lady say when Tiger crashed? 'Mr. Woods, this is OnStar. We've just received a signal you've been involved in a front end collision. We have dispatched four cocktail waitresses to assist you.'"

......
"Apparently 2010 is the Chinese Year of the Tiger. But there's no truth to the rumour that 2009 was actually the Year of the Cheetah."

......
Conan O'Brien has been coming up with some real gems: "Gatorade has said that their decision to stop production of a Tiger Woods brand of Gatorade is unconnected to Tiger's recent behavior. That's what they said, yeah. Although it probably didn't help that the slogan for the drink was: 'Tiger Woods, is it in you?'"

.......
Another from Conan O'Brien, although probably a joke only golfers will enjoy: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says he never talked about golf during sex. Yeah, however, he did keep his head down and his left arm straight."

[fifthace]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good,
I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher>
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said,
"That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.
Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

[tslisaparadise]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good,
I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher>
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said,
"That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.
Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

roflmfao,aint that the truth lol