and now its time for humour

[maddplotter]

Gas build up

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod

[maddplotter]

More Tiger jokes

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common ?? They're both clubbed by Norwegians !

What do Tiger & his wife have in common? They both try to club his balls as hard as possible.

Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls while his wife uses clubs to hit tigers balls.

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

[tsKITANA]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:

You've been listening to your ipod

HAHAHAHAHHAAHA!
thats a good one. =)

[maddplotter]

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a
beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer
and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young
to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer.
"I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

[maddplotter]

Women's Nylons

Two friends were out walking home from the bar one night.
"Shit," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's nylons off!"

"What's the rush?" his friend asked.

"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the first guy replied.

[maddplotter]

Golf/Sex joke

A young couple get married. As the husband is an avid
golfer, the wife decides to take up golf so she can spend
more time with him.

Knowing nothing about it, she goes to the pro for lessons.
The pro was busy and advised her to get a bucket of balls
and practice until he was through with his present client.
"But I don't even know how to hold the clubs" The pro says,
"Just hold it like you would your husband's penis."

Some time later, the pro approaches the driving range to
see the woman driving the ball a fair distance. He says,
"Not bad, but lets take the club out of your mouth."

[tsKITANA]

If you can break down singapore slang and accent.
you can pick up her jokes. Funny girl Kumar.
hehehehehe. go kumar go!

PART 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMRYKfxvx6E

PART 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-1rW...eature=related

PART 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGFMR...eature=related

[LadyMissKier]

How to Poop at Work

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location.

I think the undisclosed location might be New Jersey

[LadyMissKier]

Originally Posted by maddplotter
And this is a personal favorite, after spending many years in university:

[FONT="]Philosophy 101[/FONT]

[FONT="]An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. [/FONT]

[FONT="]The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: [/FONT]

[FONT="]"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." [/FONT]

[FONT="]Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. [/FONT]

[FONT="]Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. [/FONT]

[FONT="]One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. [/FONT]

[FONT="]Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely written anything at all. [/FONT]

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

I had a professor that just put one question on his exam:"Why?"

This was a philosophy 101 class.

I sat there for a good 10 minutes watching others frantically fill up there little blue exam books. I just wrote

"Why not."
and handed the thing in
He gave me an A. Must be a trick alot of professors use.

[maddplotter]

University professors

That was a good one.



Q: How are university professors like Muslix breakfast cereal?

A: After you take out the fruits and nuts, you are still left with a bunch of flakes.

[maddplotter]

Vaseline anyone?

Fred and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's
Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and
has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to
school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just
go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and
Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch
and go back to school!'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred
and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, fine, tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

[fifthace]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.....

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[santiago423]

In the interests of safety for all, missing transexuals will now have their pictures placed on the back of milk cartons, but only the half and half cartons.

[fifthace]

A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social
worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This
is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job
assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage,
will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000
a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it.."

[tslisaparadise]

A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social
worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This
is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job
assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage,
will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000
a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it.."

roflmfao,now thats priceless