and now its time for humour

[maddplotter]

Chuck Norris Jokes

If you ever meet a woman with crooked teeth, you know she's given Chuck Norris a blowjob.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse under the chin. their descendants are now called giraffes. horse under the chin. their descendants are now called giraffes.

[tsKITANA]

If you ever meet a woman with crooked teeth, you know she's given Chuck Norris a blowjob.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse under the chin. their descendants are now called giraffes. horse under the chin. their descendants are now called giraffes.

i love chuck norris jokes. makes me smile. =)

[Rantsalot]

...

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[huge99999]

How do you stop your dog from humping your leg?
You pick it up and suck its dick.

[Raging Bob]

Great Chuck Norris jokes....I now check my closet too!

...and as for the dog joke...LMAO...but eww!

[maddplotter]

"The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on." -Author Unknown

[fifthace]

new sex position

I asked my wife if we could try the Chilean Miner position the other night.

She asked if it was the one where she goes deep down on my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air?

I told her no, its the one where she fucks off and I don't see her for 4 months

[toban]

Seasonal humour

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES!
An older couple, Bob and Alice, are playing cards with their younger neighbours, Todd and Leah.
Todd asks Bob, “You’ve been around awhile, how many different kinds of Boobs are there?”

Bob answers;
“Well, Todd, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 50s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After70, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated Alice and so she asked Leah,“Do you know how many kinds of 'willies' there are?”
Leah answered, “No, I really don’t know.”

“Well,” said Alice, “I’ll tell you. A man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 50s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 70s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”


“Yes - the root'’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

[Christina]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES!
An older couple, Bob and Alice, are playing cards with their younger neighbours, Todd and Leah.
Todd asks Bob, ?You?ve been around awhile, how many different kinds of Boobs are there??

Bob answers;
?Well, Todd, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 50s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After70, they are like onions.?

?Onions??

?Yes, you see them and they make you cry.?

This infuriated Alice and so she asked Leah,?Do you know how many kinds of 'willies' there are??
Leah answered, ?No, I really don?t know.?

?Well,? said Alice, ?I?ll tell you. A man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 50s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 70s, it is like a Christmas Tree.?

?A Christmas tree??


?Yes - the root'?s dead and the balls are just for decoration.?

love it lol

[fifthace]

A little boy in Newfoundland wanted $100.00 to help his parents buy some oil for the winter. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When
the post office in Ottawa received the letter to God , Canada North Pole, they decided to send it to Prime Minister Harper


Harper was so touched that he instructed hissecretary to send the little boy a nice new $5.00 bill.


Harper thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland .


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the 5 bucks. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Ottawa and Harper and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[fifthace]

The Maple Leafs

What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

A: They both look good until they hit the ice.

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs
and a cigarette vending machine?

A: The vending machine has Players!

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?

A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.

Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post?

A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!

Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one...

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto?
A. None of them can play hockey.

What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching
the Stanley Cup Playoffs?
A. The Toronto Maple Leafs.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have
in common?

A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net.

What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley
Cup ring?
A. A thief.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a
Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.

*************************************
This guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies,
"Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do
when they win a game ?"
The guys answers, "No Idea, I've only had him for 3 years."

[maddplotter]

Rofl

Fifthace, those were hilarious. Careful if Lisa Paradise sees them. She'll probably stuff a red hot poker up your ass.

[fifthace]

She did try that one night.....

[Raging Bob]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES!
An older couple, Bob and Alice, are playing cards with their younger neighbours, Todd and Leah.
Todd asks Bob, “You’ve been around awhile, how many different kinds of Boobs are there?”

Bob answers;
“Well, Todd, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 50s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After70, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated Alice and so she asked Leah,“Do you know how many kinds of 'willies' there are?”
Leah answered, “No, I really don’t know.”

“Well,” said Alice, “I’ll tell you. A man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 50s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 70s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”


“Yes - the root'’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

For the record that "Bob" is not me!!! .....and my root isn't dead but it could use some attention...

[fifthace]

too funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysjb-b917ak&feature=related