and now its time for humour

[fifthace]

welcome to ontario

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
......"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "I won First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."......."I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"l
"I won First Place too," answers Superman.. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he
returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
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"Who the hell is Dalton McGuinty?" asked Pinocchio

[maddplotter]

New doctor


I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "Well, I think my cock tastes funny..."

[maddplotter]

A good ass joke

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ass but no, you thought that might hurt!"

[maddplotter]

Tit or ass man?


Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says. "I just love the way they bounce."

The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass. I love the way it jiggles."

He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

[maddplotter]

The nerve of some people asking for a raise!

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay raise?"

"Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who said you iron better than me?" asked the wife.

"Jor husband say so."

"Ok."

"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense!" explodes the wife. "Who said you are a better cook than me?"

"Jor husband did."

"Oh..."

"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

"Did my husband say that as well?!" the wife demanded furiously.

"No Senora...the gardener did."

"So, how much is it you want?"

[maddplotter]

Now this joke I really like...

Eddie, wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone and wouldn't give him the time of day.

Finally Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I know you're not interested in a relationship with me, but I'll give you $100 if you just let me have sex with you."

The girl responded with an immediate and offended, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. I promise!"

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "He must be crazy! Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down and we'll be 200 bucks richer."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

20 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after a half hour the boy-friend calls and asks, "Well...what happened"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

[maddplotter]

Funny posters

These are funny!

[fifthace]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

I?m living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they?ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I?m just writing to you while the kettle boils!

Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video ? it?s fucking hilarious.

I?ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It?s not yours is it?

Been to the optometrist today ? he told me I was color blind. I?m fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

There?s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer

[capablanca]

x

[maddplotter]

Finally got some new ones

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."

Nina asked, "Why?"

Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm."

Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."




The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her im- pending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

[john88]

[john88]

[john88]

[Raging Bob]

LMAO...I have version 2....Microsoft Word Up!

[Raging Bob]

A guy walks into a bar with a toy piano and a 12" pianist.....