and now its time for humour

[fifthace]

HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot asa Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire whilewe were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinkingright after we split up those many years ago, and I hear hehasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hintingto me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always hadsomething else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally shethought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tallgrass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting thegrass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made mylunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up theboat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into thegarage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped backinto bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a differentanticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there isterrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe mystupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcominganniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 inabout 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to applyfor Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License toverify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet athome. I told thewoman that I was very sorry, but I would haveto go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough forme' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience atthe Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have droppedyour pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need youto pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
____________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one of the seven ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

[maddplotter]

Hehehehe. Those were really go.

And now a joke about surgeons....

Five surgeons are having drinks together at a surgical convention and making jokes...

The first, a Florida surgeon, says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Michigan surgeon, responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."

The third, a California surgeon, says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth, an New York surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, from Washington D.C. shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[toban]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[Lani]

A loving canadian husband


A man had two of the best tickets for Stanley Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Lani]

VERY fUNNY

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

This is a good one btw.

No wonder you didn't showed up, u wouldn't be able to take that flight of stairs at Goodhandys...

[maddplotter]

Does not resemble the picture.

[Lani]

Just breaking the monotony of......

Just breaking the monotony of the sexxx topic (But i'm sure 90% of guys doesn't wanna do that) especially that one, Yes! that guy there. So this is a compromise, humour with a sexual innuendo.


SMOKING IN THE RAIN

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a camel.'

The pharmacist then fainted.

[maddplotter]

Willie?

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently, I'm not welcome back at KFC.



A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.

What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

[Modulus]

Lady GaGa

Rofl

[Raging Bob]

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The amount of times I've said Batman is better!!! Finally!!! Thank you!

[maddplotter]

Duck walks into a bar

Duck walks into a bar

Bartender: Can I help you?
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Bartender: Look, if you ask me if I have any bread one more time, I will nail your beak to the bar!
Duck: ...... Got any nails?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Got any bread?

[Raging Bob]

[Raging Bob]

Here's a good one....

the Red Cross collected 1/4 billion dollars for Haiti (remember that one?), they sent 80 million dollars there and kept the rest...you know....in case there's another disaster....like the CEO needing new tires for his Maserati.....

[Modulus]

alright! Post number 1000

Finally, post number 1000!

So I came across this sick joke and decided to share it with you people.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[Shyla Wild]

Shouldn't make fun of Mother Nature BUT...

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support, as we look to recover from the devastation of today's quake.

~DC Earthquake Survivor ~